


By The Rules

by TrespassMyAss



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Minor Violence, Rejection, Romance, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:13:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrespassMyAss/pseuds/TrespassMyAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>****On hold until Chokehold is finished****</p><p>Sauli's a high school senior with one huge pain in his ass: Chemistry. He's hopeless. Simple. His relief comes when he gets a new teacher, but it's short-lived as Sauli realizes that Mr. Tall-Young-And-Handsome, friendly and charming, proves to be the biggest distraction of his life. Much to his misery, Sauli crushes hard, but this teacher is hellbent on following school rules...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here's something a lot less dark than my usual stuff. I've always wanted to do a story like this and now I finally have the chance. I hope you guys enjoy it. Lemme know what you think, it means a lot.

Sauli:

I hated chemistry with a passion.

I despised my useless teacher, Ms. Terry.

Muttering aimlessly to myself, I trudged my way to second block chemistry. No matter how hard I tried, this crap just made zero sense to me. I was eighteen and a senior in high school, yet I still felt like a third-grader in that class. Eventually, I’d given up on trying. I was good at everything else except this bullshit course that I needed.

I groaned quietly when I walked into class and noticed that all of the good seats in the back were taken. I had no choice but to sit front row and center with all the eager kids. Fan-fucking-tastic. Up close and personal with Ms. Douchebag. I plopped down the nearest seat, more than ready to jump right back up and sprint out of here.

The bell rang, irritating my ears. Just the thought of being here again turned my mood sour. I wasn’t normally so pissed off. It was just a side effect of Chemistry. I sighed and drummed my fingers against the wooden desktop, waiting for this sorry excuse of a teacher to show up. The class chatted away, rambling on about their relationship problems and projects they hadn’t yet started that were due after lunch.

Almost half the class later, Ms. Asshole finally walked in, looking huge with her fetus-occupied womb. The class didn’t even stutter in the buzz of conversation. I braced myself and covered my ears just as she smacked a meter stick against the whiteboard. Everyone jumped and immediately shut up.

“Class,” Ms. Bitch squawked in her annoying voice. You know how when you hate someone, _everything_ they do becomes intolerable? Yep, I was experiencing that. “I have some bad news. This is my last day here.”

I sat upright with a spark of interest in what she was saying for once.

She continued, rubbing her belly, “My husband and I are transferring to a new district so our baby can grow up in a less crappy neighborhood, no offense.”

Offense taken. I was raised here.

I briefly wondered who the hell would fuck her. That was just fucking nasty. Was her husband bribed or something? I also felt bad for the fetus. One of the first faces it was going to have to look at was hers. It wasn’t like Ms. Terry was horribly _ugly,_ but I just hated everything about her. I blamed her for my terrible understanding.

“As you all know, we are being visited by student teachers who are here to stay in classes and observe how us professionals teach,” I rolled my eyes at _professionals,_ “and to try their hand in this art of education.” Oh god, someone was going to learn how to teach from this idiot? Poor fucker. “My student teacher is actually going to take over this class until the school can find someone more permanent to replace me. It’s good practice for him. We’ve made certain that he’s more than capable of controlling. I’m sure he’ll be almost as good as I was.” I twitched at her absurd statement and resisted the urge to attack.

Great, now I really wasn’t going to learn shit if some newbie loser was going to try to control this chaos of a class.

Ms. Dipshit checked her watch and scowled. “Although, he’s running late and I really need to leave now for a scan. Behave! He should be here soon. Goodbye… _you little assholes_.” That last part was mumbled so lowly that I was sure I was the only one who heard it. Sitting in front had its perks.

Good riddance, you son of a bitch.

There was nothing but complete silence as Ms. Fucker left the room. Everyone just listened quietly. Then, as her footsteps disappeared around the hall, the class erupted. I ducked as papers and various other items were chucked back and forth across the length of the room, followed by triumphant shouts.

I just stayed put in my seat, staring fixedly at the board ahead of me. Why were they celebrating? This was only going to get worse. Ms. Terry had years of experience to back her up and she still sucked. And now, we were going to get some inexperienced nerd out of university to school us? Not happening. I for one was actually worried about what this would do to my grades.

Something in my peripheral caught my attention, and my head automatically turned to inspect. In walked a tall, lean man, carrying a stack of boxes. I raised my eyebrows. He was entirely focused on not dropping the weight in his hands as he made his way over to the teacher’s desk. He abruptly dropped the boxes onto wooden surface, causing a jolting bang. Everyone froze and turned to the front to see where the commotion came from.

The man brushed his hands together and let out an exhausted breath. He turned to face the class and immediately beamed at us. I heard someone gasp in the back. I could see why. He definitely didn’t look like Ms. Nasty, all crusty and bent. Nope, this guy was standing straight in what was a very intimidating stance, clothed in what was a mix of formal and casual apparel hugging his lean body: Dark jeans, sneakers, followed by a black dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a gold tie. It was a perfect blend of both worlds. But it wasn’t his acceptable choice of clothing that caused the little cloud of interest in the class. I mean, it was part of it, but my main reason for forgetting to blink for a minute was his face.

Never in a million years would I have expected this. The guy looked like he belonged here, like a fucking student. He was so young.  Bright, curious, pale blue eyes flickered over the rows of desks in shocking contrast to his jet-black hair that splayed around his face. And to top it all off, a smile so dazzling appeared that it could blind you from miles away. His wandering gaze met mine briefly and I prayed that no one heard the little squeak that escaped my throat.

Without even doing anything but arriving, everyone’s attention was on this strange, unfamiliar, and gorgeous man. It would normally take Ms. Shit over ten minutes to get anyone to give her some form of concentration.

_This_ was our new teacher? Holy shit.

Everyone stopped drooling when his musical voice broke the silence.

“Hey, guys!” the man said. _Hey, guys?_ Was he for real? You would say something like that to your friends on the football team or something. That was totally not a proper teacher greeting. He really was inexperienced. He’d soon learn that he probably needed to toughen up if he wanted people to take him seriously, but hey, that was just my first impression. “I guess introductions are due, hey? Okay, I’m Adam Lambert and I’m your former student-teacher and now your new temporary teacher. Any questions?”

Some asshole called out, “Um, is this a joke?” Mr. Lambert gave him a curious glance. “Dude, how old are you? You can’t seriously be a teacher.”

Mr. Lambert grinned and I could’ve sworn I felt the asshole faint mentally.

“Well, _dude,_ it’s Mr. Lambert to you, and no, this is very serious,” Mr. Lambert said with amusement in his voice. “And I’m twenty-two, not like that matters.” He leaned against the teacher’s desk, crossing his arms. I spotted freckles.

“Wait, so you’re actually going to be our teacher?!” A pretty girl next to me asked out loud. “You’re practically a baby!”

Mr. Lambert smirked and gave her a nod. He said, “Honey, if I’m a baby, then you’re all still sperm cells.” A few people chuckled. “Anyway, I’m here for a least for a little while. I was supposed to take over the class with your teacher monitoring, but she’s gone, so… I’ll be here until they can find someone else.” The girl turned to her friend and squealed a little.

Mr. Lambert waited a few more seconds before clapping his hands together once. “Well, if that’s it, I would love to get to know your names and one thing about you.”

Oh crap. No… I hated this get-to-know-each-other bullshit at the start of every year, and now again in the middle? Fuck. I had nothing interesting to say.

Mr. Lambert went up and down the aisles, standing over people’s desks as they excitedly grabbed his attention one by one and started spewing nonsense about themselves. He commented every now and then, sometimes laughing. I didn’t listen to a single word; I was too busy sweating and trying to come up with something to say. But, time was up before I knew it. I looked up to see a looming figure standing over me with a kind smile.

“And you?” Mr. Lambert said, gesturing for me to continue when I just gawked at him.

“S-Sauli,” I stuttered nervously and quietly, unable to really look at him.

“Wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

I mentally groaned. “Sauli,” I enunciated.

Mr. Lambert smiled brightly and I nearly toppled out of my seat. “Ooh, _Sauli._ Are you European?” The way my name rolled off his tongue. So hot.

“Finnish,” I muttered.

He nodded knowingly. “Last name?”

“Koskinen,” I mumbled, feeling my face heat up. I could only glance up at him every once in a while. I couldn’t hold his intense eye-contact. This was so embarrassing. I could feel everyone else staring daggers into the back of my head.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Koskinen,” Mr. Lambert chimed. “And what’s one thing I should know about you?”

Without even pausing to think about it for a split-second, I stupidly blurted out, “I hate chemistry. Don’t get it, never will.”

I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips.

The slight disappointment on my new teacher’s face was like a hard slap to mine.

He recovered within the blink of an eye and said dryly, “That’s really too bad considering what this course is.”

He then continued down the rows without another word to me. I sank lower into my desk, wanting to disappear. My heart was pounding from embarrassment. This guy had such an overwhelming presence.

I blanked out for the rest of the class until Mr. Lambert said, “Tomorrow, we will begin actually learning some stuff. I have so many things planned for this class. Who here is as passionate about chemistry as I am?”

One person put her hand up. And I knew she didn’t actually know anything. She just wanted his undivided attention.

Mr. Lambert popped his lips after scanning over the class with pleading eyes. “That’s just sad. We’re gonna fix this and get some enthusiasm in here before I leave. Got it?” he said excitedly.

A few people mumbled out some half-hearted agreements.

The bell rang and Mr. Lambert bid us goodbye as he walked over to the board. I paused before I headed out the door, curious to see what he was writing. I nearly threw up when I saw the chemical equations, and he was smiling to himself as he did so.

Oh god, it was like he was doing that for fun.

Mr. Lambert’s head turned to me slightly as he continued writing, giving me a parting smile and a wink.

A wink.

If any other teacher did that, it’d be creepy as fuck. My legs turned to jelly for a moment, and I swooped out of the class before I could make more of a fool out of myself.

After second period was the dreaded lunch time. I headed over to the cafeteria with my bagged ham sandwich and juice box. I scanned the tables and sighed, settling for an empty table in the back corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn’t have _any_ friends whatsoever. This was my first, only, and last year at this school, and I never bothered really talking to people. I guess for that, they all ended up hating me or something, assuming that I thought I was better than them somehow? I didn’t really know what the reason was. I didn’t think I was a bad person or anything like that. No one liked to be seen with me. I couldn’t blame them really. I didn’t want to be seen with me either.

I took a huge bite out of my sandwich and looked up to see Mr. Lambert across the cafeteria talking to a couple female teachers and laughing like they’d known each other forever. Oh fuck him, even he already made friends. Fuck this. I ate the rest of my lunch while scowling at my paper bag.

When lunch was finally over, I merrily headed to Drama class, the second last block of the day out of four. It was senior year, so there wasn’t really much to worry about since we all had most of our credits completed.

I walked into the Drama room only to find Mr. Lambert surrounded by a fan club of girls. Oh, you had to be kidding me. He was taking over this class too? Seriously? Like I wasn’t mortified enough by him?

I sighed again and sat down in the corner of the floor after the bell rang. Mr. Lambert politely dismissed the girls with hearts in their eyes and went through some version of his introduction again after they sat down. This time, he mentioned a theater background and all of his years of experience with acting and such.

And once again, Mr. Lambert went through a name game, but when he landed on me, he said with another smile, “Mr. Koskinen, chemistry hater, nice to see you here as well.”

He remembered my last name. I fought the urge to fan myself. I ignored the chemistry remark. Well, sort of. I ended up glaring at him a little, for which he reacted with a chuckle and moved on. I hid myself into the shadows. Could I please leave?

The entire time Mr. Lambert was talking, I could hear obnoxious whispers buzzing around my head via the girls about “how hot he looks”, “how he is in bed”, and the occasional “I’d tap that”. I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help stare up at him and let those same thoughts creep into my head. An image flashed into my mind of Mr. Lambert naked, sweaty and aroused, and I quickly shook it out of my head. What the fuck, Sauli?

We spent the class playing tableau games, which Mr. Lambert explained as basically freezing into a random scene with people and everyone else trying to guess what we were doing in our frozen states. I had to admit, it was quite fun.

But the biggest moment came when Mr. Lambert came by and fixed my “pain” tableau, telling me I wasn’t quite believable yet, and that the gestures I was making looked more like archery practice.

His soft hands reached me, wrapped around my biceps and moved me into the correct position.

I was freaking out internally at the touch, and it could have been just me, but I thought his hands lingered too long on me, and he was a bit closer than strictly necessary. I didn’t mind. My heart was thrashing afterward.

Sauli, get it together. You’re pathetic. 


	2. Bitch, I Got This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Adam:

I thought I did rather well for my first day of teaching. My university program required me to student-teach twice. I’d already finished my first time after twelve weeks of observing a classroom environment and getting some experience, so that really was helping with this time around when I somehow ended up taking over a couple courses.

I was going to be given control of the classes anyway for a few weeks, yet have a supervising teacher monitor me, but the principal was sure I could handle it on my own for just a little while as they scrambled to find a permanent, full-degree teacher to take over again. They promised me I would have the stress of a full-time teacher for only a few days maximum.

I wasn’t sure this was strictly allowed since I hadn’t gotten my full degree yet, but oh well, I knew what I was doing and this was great practice, so I went for it. I did end up talking with Ms. Terry and my head supervisor to make sure this was alright if only temporary.

Only a few days, I could manage that. Then, I could relax a little and step down again into student-teaching for a few weeks while the actual teacher took over the hard parts. After this last experience, I would head back to university and finish up my teaching degree. I could do this. A few high school kids… how hard could that be?

For someone who was pretty much only good at chemistry and theater, this teaching career seemed like the right way to go. I would never get anywhere with theater anyway. I had to think realistically. Plus, I loved people and educating them. Although teaching wasn’t the career with the best salary, it would make me much more money than anything in theater world. Money was important to me. My living conditions needed it badly. I had to be able to stand up on my own two feet. I lived in this run-down apartment and I used to have a part-time job folding jeans. This was way better. I could probably move out of that place in a matter of a year.

But now, it was only day two…

I stood by the chemistry classroom door, watching the clock. I could hear students clamoring around outside. When the bell finally rang, I took a deep breath and didn’t need to put any effort into the big grin that spread across my face as the kids started shuffling in. I greeted every single person warmly.

I was quite aware that within any given moment, they could all stop taking me seriously because I was only four years their senior. I had to stay on top of that. I wasn’t going to be some boring fuck that everyone hated, but I also wasn’t going to take it easy on them.

It was a balancing act between being a cool, relatable teacher, and a boss that actually got shit done properly.

It was only second period, and I could see that everyone was still tired as they shuffled in lethargically. A few eyes lit up when they locked with mine, so that made me happy, knowing I could make a difference just with a smile. When I was in high school, I hated all the shit teachers with monotone voices. I swore on my life that I wouldn’t become the very thing that made me want to murder people.

I tried to place names to faces as the girls and boys greeted me. I only managed a few, including the blond kid named Sauli who “hated chemistry”. That really stuck with me. How could you hate chemistry? What kind of crap teacher did they have that did this to them?

I beamed at the chemistry hater with a greeting nod and when his gaze met mine, his eyes widened. He then stared at me as he walked, until he tripped over a desk and nearly fell flat on his face. He caught himself on the edge and his face reddened. I stifled a laugh. That was adorable. I knew he was fine, but it was a “teacher’s duty” to ask if the kids weren’t dying whenever the smallest thing happened.

“Are you okay?” I asked, bemused and trying to hide it.

Sauli just looked embarrassed and he nodded quickly, not saying a word. He escaped me and made his way fast to a desk in the front. I shook my head, still trying not to laugh in his face, and took my place in the front-center of the class, watching as everyone settled into their seats. Of course, they all thought arriving to class meant that they could start chattering away to everyone near them and across the room, except for that red-faced blond boy. He was staring hard at his desk. I sighed, knowing I had a lot of work to do with these kids. I waited a few minutes but no one showed any sign of shutting up.

“Hey!” I exclaimed, catching their attention. I lowered my voice when I wasn’t staring at the back of everyone’s heads anymore. “Settle down. We need to get down to work today.”

I heard someone in the back loudly mutter, “Oh, man! Fucking bullshit.”

I whipped toward the sound of the voice. “Hey, no! No swearing. Come on, man, use a real vocabulary. The dictionary is your friend…” I said slowly as I grabbed one off of my desk. “So start getting to know each other!”

I chucked the book across the room. It flew over the students’ surprised heads and landed perfectly on his desk with a loud _smack_ , sliding to his chest. The kid’s mouth dropped open slightly and he peered up at me in shock. I winked at him. He was of course wearing clothes that were too many sizes too big for him, and his hat was on backwards.

“And no hats in school,” I muttered. He groaned and obeyed me, taking off his stupid-looking hat.

Confused, everyone started muttering to each other in response to my actions.

“Well, what did you guys expect? I bet it was something like, oh look, it’s some guy who doesn’t know anything. He can’t control us, he’s not our real teacher, this means we don’t have to do work, blah, blah, blah. Well, _too bad._ You’re forgetting the advantage of being only four years older… I know all your tactics and attitudes. I had the same ones.”

Some people chuckled, knowing exactly what I was referring to. So they did have those expectations of me. Not surprised.

I clasped my hands together. “Okay, I need to figure out where you guys are with this stuff, because obviously, if some of you hate it…” I sent a playful glare at the Finnish kid who just shrunk down into his desk when he noticed. Oh, it was really fun embarrassing him. “…then Ms. Terry has been teaching you guys wrong.”

“She hasn’t taught us at all!” a girl whom I recognized as Jen called out. A few people mumbled in agreement with her.

“Oh come on, I know you’re exaggerating,” I replied, waving my hand dismissively. “We’ll start off easy. Can anyone tell me what you get when calcium hydroxide reacts with hydrochloric acid in water?”

I swear I could hear crickets chirping.

No one said anything apart from a few mumbles.

I glanced around the room, waiting for some sort of understanding on anyone’s face. Instead, all I got were some horrified stares, and some kids avoiding all eye-contact with me, hoping I wouldn’t pick on them.

“You’re kidding me…” I said, eyes widening. “Okay, what kind of reaction would burning naphthalene give you?”

That was worse than the first one. Everyone just looked at me like I’d suddenly switched to some foreign language. I heard a couple kids mumble under their breath, “ _What the fuck?”_

“It’s combustion! Come on! I practically gave you the answer!” I exclaimed, surprised. “You guys seriously don’t know anything? This is almost tenth grade stuff. You’re in senior year!”

Mr. Stupid-Hat in the back blurted, “Dude, Ms. Terry completely sucked balls, man. She spent most of her time filing her toenails at her desk or some shit like that.”

I didn’t believe it until _everyone_ buzzed in agreement.

I grimaced. Gross, what the fuck?

“Okay, then we’ll start from the very basics and go from there,” I concluded, head spinning at the thought of how much shit I would have to try to cover in such limited class times. “I don’t know how much simpler it could be than this but… what’s the atomic number of oxygen?” I cringed and braced myself for no one to know the answer to this baby stuff. “Mr. Davey?” I called.

The kid I picked on looked up at me and tentatively squeaked, “Eight?”

I sighed in relief. “Yes, thank you!” I really did have to tone everything down to the basics with these guys. At least now I sort of knew where to start. I could go home and create lesson plans based off everything I found out today.

“Okay, Mr. Koskinen, following Mr. Davey’s example, can you give me the atomic mass of Magnesium?”

Sauli looked up at me in fright, face paling, saying nothing. I waited for a moment. “You can check your periodic table if you like,” I encouraged.

He did what I said, but still ended up with a blank face and mind. Oh god, he didn’t know. He actually didn’t know. He didn’t even know where to look. He probably didn’t even know what he didn’t know. He was going to have less than a zero percent chance in this class if he didn’t know _that._

I moved on, a bit appalled, sparing him. “Jen?” I asked.

“Twenty-four point something?” she said immediately, straightening up in her seat.

“Sure,” I muttered. My eyes flickered over to Sauli who just looked embarrassed again. He bit his lip and glared at his desk.

I spent the rest of the class quickly but efficiently going through a few basics, going over equations and definitions. By the last few minutes of class, I was able to ask a simple balancing equation and I nearly jumped in the air when people put up their hands to willingly and confidently answer. I was getting off to a good start. It seemed like all the guys needed was a little refreshing from previous years.

But then I noticed the Finnish kid’s frown like he wasn’t getting any of this. I didn’t understand it. I knew he wasn’t some douche who just didn’t give half a shit. His eyes looked alert, intelligent, like he was really attempting absorb this, but getting nowhere. At least, that’s what I assumed.

After lunch, I had drama, which was a relief since everyone knew what they were doing in this class. But, I still wasn’t ready with a plan of action for how to use these talents and come up with assignments, so we spent the entire class playing theater games that I used to enjoy. It was a much more relaxed atmosphere. Even the Finnish kid was a lot more at ease.

The next day in chemistry, I was ready.

“Alright, now this isn’t a test or really for marks,” I confirmed as I went up and down the aisles, handing out sheets to the class. “Just complete this to the best of your abilities. It shouldn’t take you that long. I just need to have a better understanding of where everyone is.”

There were mutters of disappointment and annoyance as people got a glimpse of the questions. I rolled my eyes and continued.

I reached the desk in the front corner where the blond kid was sitting. I handed out a sheet to him, frowning when I caught a bit of worry in his eyes as he took it from me. I gave him an uplifting smile and he immediately looked away, staring hard at the paper on his desk.

I sighed and made my way over to my desk, sinking down into my seat. I watched faces twitch in confusion and frustration as people struggled their way through the sheet. To my relief, some people actually flew through it, flipping over to the backside within minutes. Maybe there was hope for some of these kids after all.

It was supposed to be a half-hour worksheet, but it ended up taking the entire eighty minutes of class for some, and when the bell rang, the remaining kids finally and reluctantly handed in their sheets as they filed out. Sauli was especially eager to _leave._ He was gone seconds after the bell rang. Everyone else followed suit. I could feel their energies just sink from the misery of really seeing how much they didn’t know. I thanked everyone quietly and bid them goodbye.

I sat in my desk after everyone was gone and quickly flipped through the sheets. Some were completed well. Some weren’t completed, but almost there. And some were, putting it as nicely as I could, kind of bad. I noticed that when I got to the Finn kid’s, he got the two questions he actually filled out _wrong_ with answers that didn’t even relate _,_ and then the rest of the sheet was just doodled on with the most random drawings. Confused by this behavior, I flipped to the backside of the sheet only to find a giant sad face drawn on it. Now that was alarming, figuring out exactly what level of chemistry he was on. God, he was behind everyone else. I was getting worried. Was he mentally held back? Were the rest of his grades like this? I decided to investigate.

Before heading off to lunch, I decided to quickly pay the office a visit. I found the file cabinets with the students’ permanent records in them. Yeah, yeah, this wasn’t exactly great of me to do, but whatever. I fingered the labels, muttering out the names quickly to myself as I reached the K section.

Kaiser

Kinser

Koehler

_Koskinen_

Got it!

I grinned and pulled out the file. I braced myself for what I was going to be faced with inside. I was worried about a record of bad behavior and disturbing grades. I opened up the file and flipped through the sheets until I found… nothing of the sort.

He had no permanent record of inappropriate behavior. It was completely clean.

More shocking were his grades, and no, not because of how terrible they were, surprisingly enough, but because of how much… better his were than mine when I was in high school…

Everything was in the ninety percent range. From English to Mathematics, this kid was excellent in every subject. My eyebrows rose as I skimmed over the marks and notes by teachers, completely impressed. It was a relief to see this and I felt a little bit _proud_ of him. I was almost giddy with glee from learning this… which was really weird.

The only non-shocker and disappointment was Chemistry. This was the only thing he was almost bombing. His averages ranged from near failure to within sixty-five percent. What was with this one class that was bringing down his total average? I frowned, upset that this was interfering with such a beautiful-looking file. I made a mental note to myself. I wasn’t going to let this kid fail the course. I would bring him up. It was the perfect test for me and it would help him out. If I could raise this kid’s marks, it would be a win-win for everyone. How hard could it be? He just needed a push in the right direction.

After that little promise to myself, I closed the file, only to pause just as I was about to put it back. I bit my lip and thought for a second, suddenly becoming very intrigued with his personal information. No, Adam, that’s invading his privacy. You don’t need to know everything about him. That’s strange and wrong.

But I couldn’t help it.

I was so interested with him. He was fascinating and confusing me.

I looked around, making sure no one was watching, before flipping the file open again and devouring his personal information. I ended up learning a lot about his background. I didn’t know why, but it was cool to learn these facts. Normally, a birthdate and place wouldn’t make anyone go “ooh!” but here I was, soaking up this shit like a sponge.

Was this even legal?

Fuck that, I was his teacher, concerned with my student’s marks and needing to find the best course of action to improve his academic performance.

Yep, that was a totally reasonable excuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment? And if you haven't already done so, follow me on Twitter @TrespassMyAss for updating info :)


	3. Pathetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, in my week of final exams. I know this took longer than normal to get up. Bear with me. :)

Sauli:

I was pathetic… completely and hopelessly pathetic.

Not only was I pathetic for knowing shit nothing about chemistry, but also because of Mr. Lambert.

I couldn’t focus at all. I was so distracted by him. I was still drooling over him after a few days of him teaching here. He was a fucking amazing teacher and I’d really underestimated him, but still, I just wasn’t getting it. All of the other kids were picking up what he was teaching and really starting to get in line with all this chemistry stuff. They were getting more and more involved and passionate. Me? I never even put up my hand.

But, that didn’t stop Mr. Lambert from picking on me anyway… like right now. Crap.

“Mr. Koskinen?” Mr. Lambert repeated, snapping me out of my haze.

I blinked and looked around, noticing that everyone was staring at me. Shit.

“Um… What was the question?” I asked tentatively.

Mr. Lambert gave me an accusing look. “I just asked if you were paying attention, but don’t worry… You pretty much just answered it.”

The class snickered and I sank down into my seat, cheeks flaming. Fuck my life. Did he have to embarrass me like that?

I spent the rest of the class too mortified to move my eyes any place other than the board. I kept myself fixated on the writings and attempted to focus, but it wasn’t working. Mr. Lambert would explain some concept on the board, ask questions, people would burst in their seats from wanting to answer, and he’d actually have so many to choose from. Me? I was too busy staring at the way his lips moved more so than what was actually coming out of his mouth. I wanted to know what his lips would look like with something going _into_ his mouth. Ridiculous…

Out of paranoia, I quickly glanced around the room to make sure no one was somehow able to read my ludicrous mind. That would be a disaster. My mind was the only place I could have these thoughts and not be given a glare or sneer. Though right now, I was the one shaking my head at the visions flashing across my mind. If anyone else had access to my mind, I’d probably wind up arrested.

“Okay, are we good with double replacement reactions?” Mr. Lambert asked with confidence, hope lacing his tone.

Everyone nodded and answered him positively. Mr. Lambert scanned the class with a successful grin on his face until his gaze landed on my completely lost one. Fuck, had I zoned out _again?_ I watched his face fall as he sighed, giving me a worried look. He turned back to the class with a slight shake of his head.

“I think… I’m going to go over this one more time… Some people just aren’t getting it.” The disappointment in his voice burned low in my gut.

Obviously, he was talking about me. I felt my eyes sting a little. Goddammit, what was wrong with me? Was I actually an idiot? Did I have some sort of disorder? No… that couldn’t be it. I was exceptional in every other class and had little trouble with them.  I needed to pass this goddamn course and so far, I just wasn’t doing that. I couldn’t even ask questions because I didn’t even know what the fuck I didn’t know.

When the nightmare class ended and the bell rang, I nearly leapt out of my seat, fast-walking to the exit. I kept my head down until I was almost out the door, hurrying to high-tail it out of there before I was stopped. Of course, I wasn’t successful.

“Mr. Koskinen,” I heard an authoritative voice call behind me. I froze with one foot out the door. “Can you stay? We need to discuss something.”

Fuck.

I turned around to find Mr. Lambert sitting at his desk, rummaging around in the drawers. I was in between the class, which was my miserable jail cell, and the hallway, otherwise known as freedom.  My eyes flickered over both options, debating whether or not I should just make a run for it. I sighed, deciding against it. It was better to just see what he wanted, though I thought I probably knew what was coming and I was dreading it.

“Sure…” I said, barely audible.                                       

I reluctantly and slowly made my way to his desk, trying to stall without it being noticeable, and sat across from him, staring down into my lap.

“Mr. Koskinen…” His voice was gentle. I hated the formality though. “Can you please explain these?”

I looked up in time to see him holding out my past couple of worksheets and tests that he’d given out that I’d just scribbled and doodled on. I stared at them with hatred and then up at Mr. Lambert who had a disappointed and concerned expression plastered onto his face. His eyes were sad as he searched my stinging ones, waiting for an answer that I just didn’t have. I felt so ashamed. God, since this guy has been here, my non-existent self-worth plummeted into the negatives.

“I’m… I just… I don’t know,” I said, defeated. My voice was quiet. “This stuff is ridiculous to me. My brain won’t wrap around it.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me instead of deliberately failing these?” Mr. Lambert asked, black fringes of hair falling forward into his eyes as he tilted his head down toward the embarrassment known as my work.

Because you intimidate the shit out of me and just sitting here is making me want to vomit from nerves?

“I don’t know…” I mumbled, keeping the previous thought to myself.

Mr. Lambert sighed, putting down the papers and folding his hands on his desk, obviously disheartened at my crappy responses.

“Will you allow me to get you a tutor?” he asked pleadingly. “I’m not letting you fail this course.”

Oh god, no. I was socially awkward as fuck. Plus, most people never talked to me unless they were making fun of me. I didn’t want to say yes to this and end up with a tutor who probably already hated me and purposely tried to get me to fail. They would laugh at how easily I’d believe them, and tell the whole school. If word spread that I was this much of an idiot…

“Can _you_ do it?” I blurted, looking up at Mr. Lambert with anxious eyes. “Tutor me, I mean?”

Mr. Lambert looked a little surprised by my request. My eyes dropped, random outburst of confidence dying. I stared nervously at his metallic blue tie and white shirt instead. I waited for what seemed like an endless moment.

“Sure,” I heard him say after a minute. I looked up to see Mr. Lambert smiling happily at me. “I mean, I think I can do that for you. Who better to teach you than your teacher?” He threw me a delighted wink and I struggled to keep in a girlish scream. “What time would work best for you? I can do lunch and possibly after school.”

“I think lunch times would be best,” I said a little too quickly, heart pounding faster at the realization that I’d have to be alone with this guy every day.

“Really?” Mr. Lambert asked with a higher voice. “Don’t you want to be with your friends?”

I shrugged, muttering without a thought, “Don’t really have any.”

 I didn’t miss the flash of pity and concern on his face.

“Oh…” he mumbled, sounding unconfident and vulnerable for the first time. “Okay then… We’ll start in a couple of days. I’ve gotta get some stuff ready.”

***

The next day at lunch, I sat down at another completely deserted table, not even fazed by it. The loneliness was comfortable most of the time now. I was getting pretty used to it all. I chewed my food slowly as I tuned out from the loud noises around the expansive room and stared at the sandwich in my hands.

Suddenly, I jumped and nearly threw my sandwich when I heard tray slap down onto the tabletop. I ended up choking on my mouthful.

“Oh geez, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?”

I finished hacking up the piece of bread in my throat and wildly looked up in time to see Mr. Lambert sitting down across from me. What the fuck?

He settled in comfortably, setting his own lunch on the table and smiling at me.

I scanned the lunch room. Yep, people’s eyes were wandering over in confusion and a little anger… mostly from the female population. I was intimidated by the death glares sent my way and shrunk down a little.

“I’m fine,” I croaked, contradicting myself, “really.”

Mr. Lambert eyed me, clearly not convinced.

“Why are you here?” I asked, sounding terrible.

“Oh, sorry. Do you want me to go…?” Mr. Lambert started to get up.

“No, no, no,” I quickly said, gesturing frantically with my hand for him to sit, and he plopped down again. “I was just wondering. You’re usually with a couple other teachers.”

“Oh, so you‘ve been watching me?” Mr. Lambert teased, winking.

My face paled. “N-no!” I said quickly. “I just noticed.”

Mr. Lambert laughed. “It’s okay, relax. I was only kidding.”

I forced a laugh, resisting the urge to glare. How hilarious… not.

“So,” he said, jetting off, “I think you can catch up with the sheets I developed for us to work on together when I start tutoring you.” Oh, so that’s the only reason why he came over here. Why had I been stupidly expecting more? I nodded along, worried already. He took a bite of his apple before continuing and I just stared at his cute chewing like a hungry puppy. “I know you’re a bright kid. You _can_ do this. You might be able to pull off an eighty before the end of the year if we work hard.”

I pretty much tuned out in anger after _kid._ Kid. He called me a kid. Like being four years older made him so much more of an adult? I felt my blood boil a little. I was getting a little too annoyed by that statement than I should.

“Mr. Lambert!”

We both looked up and saw a bunch of girls running over to the table, sitting down obnoxiously around us, and attempting to make conversation with him. Mr. Lambert smiled and welcomed them while I just sat there pissed off.

“You look dazzling today, Mr. Lambert,” a girl said.

“I’m learning so much because of you. You’re the best teacher ever!” another giggled.

“Oh hi… you,” one dismissed me, sounding way too nice and sugary. The idiot didn’t even know my name, yet she tried to sound like we were friends. Too bad I’d never met her before this.

My hands curled into fists. Obviously, these bitches were only here for Adam and mildly including me to get to him. Fuck this shit. Mr. Lambert laughed along with them and chatted enthusiastically while I sat there for another minute, fuming. Way to just ignore me. Ugh.

“Excuse me,” I said in a hard voice, getting up and slightly shoving a girl with my shoulder as I left the cafeteria.

I did end up glancing back and I saw Mr. Lambert staring after me with a frown as the girls kept pestering him and not even acknowledging that I had left.

***

I was in a shit mood during drama. That whole lunch thing left me frazzled and snappy. Mr. Lambert was, of course, also the drama teacher for now. Today, we were acting out impromptu scenes. I was partnered up with some mousy girl named Kathy and I tried my best to be nice, knowing she hadn’t done anything wrong. There was no point in taking out my anger on her.

Everyone found a space in the large room to practice before we presented to the class. Mr. Lambert went around and monitored each group for a few minutes. Kathy and I were assigned some romance scene where I had to yell at the girl, which was pretty damn easy in my current state, and then walk away, vowing to never see her again, but only being stopped when she grabbed me from behind, crying into my back.

We got to the back part when Mr. Lambert suddenly interrupted.

“Okay, stop,” he said, coming up to us. We stayed in pose. “Mr. Koskinen, you’re doing a great job, but Miss. Stevenson, you’re not holding him properly. Your back is to the audience and you’re just not putting in the emotion. I know I can be honest with you. It’s like watching paint dry with the amount of pain you’re putting in. Make it believable. Go again.” He sat down in a chair, crossing his legs, and then gestured for us to restart.

Kathy and I shared a mutual frown of confusion before shrugging and taking our starting positions again. We ran through the scene once more as Mr. Lambert watched intently, only to be stopped yet again when he still wasn’t pleased with what we were doing.   

“Here, let me show you,” Mr. Lambert sighed.

He got up from his chair and advanced on us.

Kathy let go of me just as Mr. Lambert motioned her to. I stayed in my pose, feeling my heart start to skip. He wasn’t seriously going to demonstrate, right?

“Like this,” he insisted. 

Mr. Lambert suddenly had his big arms wrapped around my torso from behind, pulling me to him hard. My back smacked into his chest. I squeaked a little and felt the air rush out of my lungs. I felt tiny as he pressed himself against me completely from behind. I struggled to breathe evenly. Okay, relax, Sauli, _relax._ He’s just doing his job.

“Show him that you really want him to stay with you,” Mr. Lambert said casually while I was freaking out silently in his arms.

How could he not feel my heart rate shooting up? As much as I hated to say it, he was so _warm_ and cozy. I fought to keep my pose and not melt into the fake embrace. He didn’t seem to think anything of it at all, completely professional.

Then, I nearly shoved him off from shock. My throat felt dry as Mr. Lambert shifted slightly and pulled me little closer to him to prove his point to Kathy and I felt something… _hard_ pressing into the side of my ass.

Oh my god. Oh my fucking god.

Mr. Lambert had an erection and it was rubbing up against my ass.

I felt sick and dizzy, but not in a disgusted way. I couldn’t explain it, but being pressed up against him suddenly wasn’t such a bad thing. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just push him off. Did he not even realize…? Maybe he hadn’t noticed yet? Or maybe he hadn’t thought anything of it since it was probably one of those random ones that every guy got, right?  Or maybe he knew, but was too professional to break out of a pose early.

While I scrambled my mind, trying to find a suitable excuse and explanation for what the hell was going on, Mr. Lambert was still talking to Kathy and holding me to him like nothing was wrong or awkward, and I didn’t pick up a word of what he said.

I looked around the room, relieved that no one had noticed; they were all too busy perfecting their scenes. Mr. Lambert would be in serious trouble if anyone knew.

I wanted to kind of gently tell him about his problem in a way that wouldn’t freak him out, but would at least make him notice both it and the fact that I was aware of it as well and he’d let me go.

I subtly jutted out my ass further against his—ahem— _hard-on,_ crushing it a little as he explained things to a much focused Kathy. I felt strange little jolts when I pushed against the length. He cut off in the middle of his sentence when I did so. I felt his arms constrict around me for a second. Oh, he knew, alright. My breathing was still shallow. I couldn’t believe this. I kind of wanted him to just stay like this, but I was also getting slightly uncomfortable. I didn’t really know what I wanted.

But, that answer came when I found myself disappointed when, too soon, Mr. Lambert let go of me and Kathy took her place again. It felt odd having slender arms replace the large, muscular ones. And, Kathy wasn’t hard against my ass... thank goodness. 

I watched as Mr. Lambert retreated to his desk where no one could see his problem. I shamelessly wondered what it would be like to blow him from under a desk. Maybe I could get an A in chemistry from that, ha… Shut up, Sauli… What the actual fuck?

 The bell finally rang, and as I was leaving, Mr. Lambert just smiled at me normally from his desk, like the whole thing had never even happened. Had it? Or had I been imagining things?

The entire rest of the day, I was hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. Lambert just fucking rubbing against my ass. I had a lousy and impossible crush and I couldn’t help it. When I finally got home, I bolted to my room and barely made it to the bed. I unzipped my pants and reached in, pulling out my very own problem. I was leaking and stiff as a board. I moaned when I stroked it just a little. Crude thoughts of Mr. Lambert popped into my head, with him being all pressed up against me again, but naked and moaning sweet nothings into my ear as he fucked me slowly. Goddammit, I couldn’t take it. It only took a few strokes for me to completely lose it. I came hard all over my hand and my sheets. I was left a collapsed, horny mess, and all because of this one teacher… Pathetic.


	4. Douches, Dicks, and Drunks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long one to hold you over. :)

Adam:

I fucked up. I really did. Getting an erection during class yesterday was something that was bound to happen eventually, and I knew that, but why did the universe curse it upon me right when I’d been demonstrating something very simple during class? To make matters worse, it just _had_ to pop up against a student’s ass. God, Sauli had probably noticed too. Poor kid, I knew he must’ve been freaked out, if not, disgusted. He’d looked pasty for the rest of class, and had been completely silent, despite my efforts to keep the atmosphere in the room as friendly and normal as possible. Maybe I was overreacting and he’d been fine with it, realizing that it was a guy thing and that spontaneous boners were inevitable. I was sure it was a random occurrence… sort of. I was sticking to that story whether I believed it or not.

A girl suddenly ran by me in the hall with tears in her eyes, pulling me out of my thoughts. Before I could stop her, another voice stopped me.

“Motherfucking faggot, you’ll pay for that!”

I frowned, overhearing that statement from the next hall on my way to chemistry. Curious and a little irritated by the derogatory term, I turned the corner only to find Sauli corralled against a locker by a group of four guys much bigger than he was. I paused for a moment, recognizing almost all of them. I stepped back behind the wall before I could be seen, and watched from a distance.

“You think you can just come here with your gay-ass walk and scare off _my_ girlfriend?” a boy I knew as Dawson from first block science spat, crowding up into Sauli’s space.

My eyes narrowed, but I wasn’t sure what I should do. I didn’t know if these guys were all just joking around like how boys usually were or what. I didn’t want to be the annoying teacher that bitched at people just because they were jokingly using language I didn’t like. I mean, they were boys; they were going to say whatever they wanted regardless of who scolded them.

Sauli just cringed back into the locker, squeaking, “She didn’t want you doing that.”

The whole lot of them started laughing before another kid I recognized from the same class, I thought his name was Jason, showed up by Sauli’s side and growled, “What he does is not your business, you queer.” He suddenly shoved Sauli hard enough that Sauli slammed into the ground, catching himself on his hands before his head hit the floor. He immediately tried to scramble up again only to be stomped in the side by the Jason’s foot, forcing him back to the floor. My hand twitched. “Learn your fucking place, and maybe suck a cock like all you’re good for.”

What was with all the gay slurs? My heart stung, remembering a similar high school experience to this. I realized that this was a serious situation and not just some horsing around. I needed to step in unlike how _no one_ did for me. It was disgusting to me how right now, even as this was going on and a few students were passing by, no one even threw them a second glance. Saying that this was unacceptable was an understatement. Bullying was the one thing that hit a deep nerve inside of me.

“You’ve been seriously getting on my nerves,” Dawson hissed. “I think it’s time we taught you a lesson. Talk to my girlfriend again and I’ll cut you to pieces, you worthless homo freak.”

They all chimed in and snickered in agreement and towered over Sauli whose eyes just flickered frantically between them, as if looking for some way to escape.

My eyes widened and then narrowed to slits as Dawson reached down and fisted Sauli’s collar in his hand. He raised his other fist to throw a punch and Sauli cringed back, waiting for the impact to his face.

Not on my watch.

Within the next second, I was looming behind the jock, restraining his raised fist with one hand in a death grip.

“What seems to be the problem here?” I asked casually, tightening my grip on the asshole’s knuckles.

Everyone looked up at me in surprise, and for some, fear, but only because they got caught.

“Nothing,” another loser I didn’t recognize replied stupidly as the rest of them stepped away from a very shocked-looking Sauli.

“Really?” I growled, glaring into the loser’s eyes. “Sure didn’t seem like nothing. Explain _this._ ” My nails dug into the fist in my hand to prove my point. I shoved Dawson’s fist into the locker over Sauli, slamming his knuckles against the metal and held him there from behind.

“Ow, man, let go!” Dawson pleaded, trying to jerk his hand out of my clutches.

“Then get lost,” I hissed into his ear from behind, venom lacing my voice, all sense of teacher gone. “Don’t you ever come near him again or I swear…”

I let go of his fist roughly and Dawson immediately stumbled back a few feet with a wild and confused look in his eyes, the rest of them scurried a few feet away as well, following the leader. Dawson hissed and rubbed his sore hand. Jason took one look at it and his jaw dropped slightly.

“What the fuck, man?” Jason nearly yelled, appalled. “You’re fucking crazy!”

“All that for some gay bitch?” Dawson snapped. My eyes narrowed and my hands curled into tight fists at my sides as I hovered in front of Sauli protectively, blocking their view of him on the ground. I could feel Sauli’s eyes burning into my back. Dawson craned his neck to glare at Sauli, vowing, “I’m gonna fucking kill you when your fairy godmother isn’t here to protect you.”

“I said, _get lost!”_ I growled fiercely, sick of his bullshit, blocking his view again.

Jason scoffed and rolled his eyes, placing his hand on Dawson’s chest. “Let’s go, man, we’ll deal with this later.”

The entire group gave us dirty glares and obscene gestures before they trudged away, muttering more pointless crap, and finally disappeared around the hall.

Once they were gone, I sighed deeply and let my muscles relax again, forcing my rage to calm down. I peered over my shoulder at Sauli, who was still lying on the ground, holding himself up on his forearms, shocked stiff. He stared up at me with uncertainty and a bit of something else I couldn’t name. I sighed again and turned around completely to face him. I gave him a kind smile and held out my hand toward him. His eyes flickered back and forth between my hand and my face suspiciously for a moment before hesitantly grabbing my hand. My smile grew warmer as I enclosed his hand in mine and pulled him up to his feet. Reluctantly, I let go of his hand as soon as he was up.

Sauli brushed himself off and kept eyeing me.

“Are you okay?” I asked sincerely, using it as an excuse to let my eyes roam over his body.

“Uh, yeah,” Sauli mumbled, suddenly shy again. “Um… thank you…?”

“It’s no problem.” I shrugged, patting his back with a grin. “But, if they ever come near you again, you come straight to me and tell me, okay? I won’t let them get away with crap like that.”

Sauli nodded. “Okay…”

I checked my watch and winced a little. “Come,” I insisted, “we’re late for chemistry.” I nodded my head toward the end of the hall, smirking as I started to walk away. I could feel him just standing there and watching me walk away. After a few feet alone, I heard fast footsteps catching up to me.

Sauli groaned as he reached me. “You know, I’d rather be beaten up, to be honest.”

I laughed once, glancing at him in my peripheral. “Come on, chemistry isn’t that bad. Am I that horrible of a teacher?”

Sauli shook his head frantically. “No!” he assured me. “It’s not you. You’re… amazing.” I smiled and felt my heart flutter. “It’s just me. I just struggle with it... a lot.”

“Well, our tutoring starts today, so at least we can bring you back up to speed.”

“I hope so…” Sauli muttered.

We turned another corner, passing by a bunch of late students. I sternly told all of them to get to class. I didn’t miss the small glares they threw Sauli as they noticed him walking next to me. Why were all these kids so horrible to him? Sauli didn’t miss it either. He frowned at the ground.

“Anyway, why were those guys bullying you?” I asked, curious.

Sauli rolled his eyes. “Because Dawson’s a dick,” he spat. “…Sorry,” he mumbled when he noticed how my eyebrows shot up at how forward he was with the insult.

I chuckled. “No, it’s fine,” I insisted. “I was just a bit surprised. And honestly, I agree with you.” I smirked again at him.

Sauli’s eyes widened slightly before he recovered himself. “Um, well, he was being a total dick to his girlfriend and grabbing her and telling her these… awful things. She kept telling him to stop and let go, but he and his friends just laughed, and I couldn’t just stand by and watch that. So of course, being an idiot, I interfered and shoved him back, telling his girlfriend to get out of there. At least she listened. That’s when you showed up.”

I noted the girl who’d ran past me in the hall. Ah.

“You’re not an idiot. It’s… fantastic that you stood up to them,” I said in awe, “but… you couldn’t have used your words?” I laughed, shaking my head.

Sauli scoffed, “It wouldn’t have mattered, and hey, it’s not like you used _your_ words and you’re supposed to be the responsible teacher.”

“I suppose so…” I mused. “That _was_ pretty terrible of me. I know guys, and they think too highly of themselves to be stopped by anything other than a physical interference. I’d be in serious trouble if they told, but if I did get yelled at for what I did, I think it would still be worth it.” I shrugged. “And, judging by their cockiness and pride, I don’t think they want anyone to know that a teacher showed them up, so it’s all good.”

“They’re cowards, really,” Sauli sighed and nodded, agreeing. “All they have is slurs and brawn to back them up.”

That reminded me. “Oh yeah, what was with all those terms anyway?”

Sauli looked away and kept his eyes on the lockers off to the side, clearly uncomfortable now, before quietly muttering, “I don’t know… They’re just jerks.”

I eyed him from my peripheral, not really believing him based on the way he reacted.

We arrived to chemistry and I gave Sauli one more encouraging smile before he set off for his seat. I frowned, watching him and how some students rolled their eyes as they noticed him. Seriously, what was with everyone? Did Sauli do something or did they all just hate him for no reason? He seemed plenty nice and thoughtful to me.

I went through the entire confrontation earlier in my head again, hoping that what the idiots had said to him would give me some kind of clue. All I could remember were the gay slurs, but that seemed to be enough to recall since Sauli had seemed particularly offended, rather than just shrugging them off like other guys and laughing about it.

“Oh…” I mumbled to myself as it dawned on me. Was Sauli gay?

***

During our first lunchtime tutoring session in the classroom, I couldn’t stop sneaking peaks at Sauli’s confused face. I saw him in a newer, more curious light now that the idea of him being gay had entered my head.

I kept watching him, looking for some sort of hint or anything that would tell me he really was gay, but I couldn’t pick up anything from him. He was unreadable, and I was usually quick to guess. It was horrible of me for even trying so hard, but I couldn’t help it, and I didn’t know why that even mattered to me. My job was to teach the students the curriculum, regardless of their gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation.

Yet, every time I thoroughly explained a concept to him and then assigned a question for him to try out, I used his distracted moment to stare at him instead of his work and mistakes. There was just something suddenly fascinating about the way the muscles in his face moved with every slight change of expression as he read over the questions over and over. Even when he was frustrated, he was so… pretty. Fuck.

I forced my eyes to look back down at his work and almost sighed at yet another issue he was having.

“No,” I mumbled, noticing Sauli couldn’t solve a certain stoichiometry problem. “You want to convert grams into moles first. You won’t get the right answer unless you make sure to do that little step right in the beginning. Here, let me show you.”

I held out my palm so Sauli could pass me the pencil. As he handed it to me, his fingers unknowingly brushed against my skin, causing me to suck in a sharp, quiet breath. Gulping hard, I squeezed my eyes shut for a just a moment to collect myself.

Relax, Lambert!

Why was I getting so nervous, so fast? My skin had already broken out in a sweat, and was the room getting smaller or…?

I managed to look completely normal on the outside as I wrote out the calculation on a sheet of paper and explained it to him. All the while, as I was freaking out internally, Sauli was just biting his lip, staring hard at the sheet, completely unaware of my dilemma and focusing on what I was saying as I mechanically did the problem with ease. I handed the pencil back to him afterward, hyperaware that I was purposely trying to touch his skin again.

This was so unprofessional of me. As the session went on, I kept finding every excuse to touch him in the most casual ways, and I didn’t even know why the fuck I was. I just… needed to, out of curiosity or whatever. At one point, I even subconsciously reached out to run my hand through his hair, but froze right before I reached his head, realizing what I was about to do. Sauli gave me a confused look as he eyed my hand that was just hovering beside his head. Before it got too weird, I sighed and settled for gently patting his head instead in praise as a cover-up. Hey, it was less freaky than fucking stroking his hair or letting my hand stay frozen in the air awkwardly next to him.

“Good job,” I mumbled pathetically, patting his hair, but then I actually looked down at what I was congratulating him for and noticed that he actually got the question wrong… again. Oh. Whoops. I awkwardly dropped my hand, cheeks blazing.

Sauli sighed sadly, glaring at his work. “I already know it’s wrong. You don’t have to pity me, you know. I’m not a little kid.”

“No, that’s not what was trying to do. I was…” I trailed off, having no appropriate way to finish that sentence and still be truthful. “You know what? We can come back to this. Let’s just try something else.”

I managed to regain focus after that, ignoring how hot and bothered I was getting just from the slightest of his movements. What the hell was wrong with me today? Although I was miraculously still able to teach, I kept tuning in and out of focus as Sauli tried rounds of problems. At one point, he had to repeat a question of his three times and snap his fingers in front of my face for me to come back down to reality.

And it just happened again.

I blinked several times as Sauli retrieved his hand after snapping his digits impatiently in front of my eyes again and focused on his concerned face.

“Mr. Lambert, are you sure you’re okay?” Sauli asked, “You kind of look sick. You know, you really don’t _have_ to sit here and deal with my pathetic self.”

I shook my head, insisting, “I’m fine, sorry… and quit saying that. I’m here because I want to be.” I looked down at another problem he solved. It was actually right… sort of. “You only forgot to write down the unit. That’s extremely important. Don’t assume I’ll just know what you’re talking about. Fifty-three what? Pounds? Miles? Cows? I don’t know. Make _sure_ to always put the proper unit, in this case, grams.”

Sauli nodded and scribbled down the units in every question that he missed with his somewhat messy, yet easily legible scrawl.

I took his momentary focus elsewhere to try and console myself. My hand quickly flew on top of my crotch just to check how bad it was. Shit, I was getting noticeably hard again. Furrowing his brow in concentration, Sauli stuck his moist tongue out the side of his lips. My cock twitched at that. I squeezed the aching bulge as a warning, silently begging it to calm the fuck down. This boy was not for me to get _aroused_ over. Ridiculous.

My breathing was shallow, and I was seriously fidgeting and shifting uncomfortably by the time Sauli looked back up at me for approval. As soon as his eyes left the paper, my hand flew off my pants. I jerked my chair closer under the table as I leaned over to check his work, attempting to cover my lap and hide my huge problem.

My eyes actually widened in surprise. I was expecting to find another mistake as it was becoming a habit, but no, Sauli got the next three questions flawlessly correct. I pursed my bottom lip, satisfied with his answers. I glanced over at Sauli, who was staring anxiously at his hands on his thighs, waiting for me to point out another mistake to him.

“They’re all right,” I said quietly, smiling to myself.

Sauli’s head snapped up to me, then to his worksheets, and then back to me with dinner plate eyes within a split second. I chuckled at his shock and beamed at him, proud that we’d actually made progress.

“You’re kidding me, right?” Sauli asked frantically.

I shook my head and tried to keep from laughing at how happy he looked right then. “Nope,” I replied with a pop of my lips.

“ _YES!”_ he exclaimed just as the lunch-ending bell rang. Perfect timing. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Phew! I guess I’m not _that_ hopeless. Thank _fuck_ —sorry.” Sauli got up from his seat, gathered his worksheets, and then grinned down at me. “I’ll see you next time.” Another twitch jolted inside my wretched pants from seeing the joy on his face.

“You’re welcome,” I replied with a forced smile, shifting again in my seat. “See you next time.”

It was only three questions, but it made him this hopeful, and that reminded me of why I’d wanted to teach in the first place.

Sauli unexpectedly gave me a high-five and thanked me one last time before practically prancing out the door. I stared after him in wonder, feeling my hand sting from the sudden, sharp contact, but, that wasn’t the only tingling sensation that it caused. Ugh.

Fuck this. I had no time to jack off, and I certainly couldn’t ditch class either. I had no choice but to go to Drama with this hard-on. I groaned and buried my face in my hands with my elbows perched on the table. I just wanted fucking beat my dick off for being so goddamn stupid.

Exhaling sharply, I stood up, scraping the chair against the floor and turned to gather my shit. I carried the binders in front of my crotch on the way to drama, avoiding all human contact as much as I could. As soon as I reached the Drama classroom, I retreated behind the mahogany office desk while the students started shuffling in.

Okay, I could do this. I just had to give instructions to continue what we’d started last class from the safety of this desk and then wait out the rest of the block, ignoring the problem until it went away.

That plan sounded perfect until I realized Sauli was a student in this class as well. My greeting smile for the students faded as he walked in, still looking excited about his tutoring session. I whimpered almost inaudibly and shifted again in my seat when he suddenly bent over to pick up a dropped pencil case for some girl. I tore my eyes away from his tight jean-clad ass, feeling like a pervert. Yeah, well I could rule out random as the excuse for this boner. Kill me now.

The bell rang and I wasted no time in saying, “Guys, listen up!” I waited until everyone stopped talking and gave their full attention to me. “Continue practicing your tableaus from last class, and really put in some effort this time because you never know when I’ll assign a heavy project to go with this…” The hint was obvious in my voice.

I absolutely loved this class because everyone was so cooperative and attentive. The kids got right down to work, getting to their partners and discussing what exactly their tableau had been about. I watched inventively, noticing the major improvement among the groups. I was doing a great job at ignoring my problem and I’d nearly forgotten about it until my eyes scanned the groups and landed on Sauli. I wanted to punch the obnoxious twitch in my pants. Ugh.

Sauli’s partner, Kathy, was still too uncomfortable with holding him. Her arms were stiff like branches around his waist. As a Drama teacher, I _had_ to say something about this. In the back of my head, I wanted to practically strangle the girl for making me have to get up and show her again. They were too far away for me to call out instructions from the comfort and safety of my desk. My dick was ecstatic as I stood up, but I was dreading what I was about to do again. But hey, she was practically forcing me to do this, right? It was totally her fault.

“Sweetie,” I said calmly as I approached them, catching their attention. Kathy broke away from Sauli and gave me a curious, questioning look. “Acting is not all about feeling, it’s about _doing_. No one cares if you can cry on cue if there’s nothing to go with it, especially in a tableau where you’re not allowed to actually cry. You have to show the message of the pose in a different way.” They both looked at each other like they had no clue what I was talking about. “Try focusing on, _what am I doing, and why am I doing it_? Okay? If the action is meaningful, then the emotion will be there. What I’m trying to say is… you’re still not holding him right. It looks like you’re uncomfortable with hugging him, not begging him to stay with you.” Kathy nodded in understanding, looking slightly irritated. “Okay, try again,” I encouraged, really not wanting to actually step in and have to demonstrate.

That entire time, I kept my eyes glued to Kathy’s face, not Sauli’s, hoping to the high heavens that neither of them had noticed my problem. At least my shirt was sort of long enough to cover it slightly, and the way I had my hands folded in front of it pretty much insured no one could notice.

Kathy got into position behind Sauli as he just stood normally, eyes wandering off into the distance, waiting for Kathy to get her role correct. She wrapped her arms around his waist again and then looked up at me hopefully.

“Like this?” she asked, nodding toward her arms.

“No,” I said, and I heard Sauli sigh, probably annoyed that she still wasn’t getting such a simple thing right. “Press yourself against him.”

She hesitated, but did as I suggested and lined her front up with his back.

“Now?” she asked, getting impatient.

I shook my head. “Okay, now tighten your arms around him. They’re just hovering, barely touching him.” She shifted slightly, but otherwise made absolutely no difference. I sighed in resignation and waved my hand impatiently, gesturing her to move away. “Here, just let me show you.”

Sauli’s bored eyes suddenly widened and looked alive. His head snapped over to me, watching me a little fearfully as I took Kathy’s position behind him. I hated that I had to do this again.

“Sorry, Mr. Koskinen, for having to use you,” I muttered from behind him. “You don’t mind, right?”

Sauli looked straight ahead of him as he barely managed to squeak out, “No, it’s okay.” It soon wouldn’t be.

I tried to look professional as I wrapped my arms around his tiny body and pulled his back to me. The sweet smell of his shampoo hit my nose as his hair tickled my chin. I took a deep breath in, savoring the smell that was making me dizzy. I tightened my arms around him and I could feel him breathing faster. His body lined up completely against mine, toe to heel, chest to back, and everything in between, including my painful erection that only intensified when it contacted his ass. I winced, knowing that he could obviously feel it since it was practically poking rudely against him. I felt his torso suddenly expand in my arms as he sharply inhaled. He completely stiffened against my body. Fuck, he did notice. I pulled away only slightly, just so I wasn’t prodding his ass that much. I didn’t even want to imagine the look on Sauli’s face that he was probably trying to cover up.

I turned my head to look at Kathy, who just watched me in irritation. At least she hadn’t noticed the awkward, thick air that now engulfed the room.

“See?” I said through clenched teeth, still wanting to strangle her for making me do this. “This is how it’s done. I look like I want him. Simple.”

Kathy’s expression contorted slightly into one of discomfort. Yeah… those probably weren’t the best choice of words on my part.

“But, there’s still a little bit of space between you,” she said sharply, crossing her arms. “I thought you said to be completely against him.”

Sauli’s head shot toward her.

 I fought the urge to glare at her. Was she trying to kill me?

“Yes, you’re right,” I muttered, wondering if I could fail her just for being a nuisance. “Sorry.”

I pulled Sauli as close as possible, so there were no gaps between us whatsoever, which meant that my aching crotch was now happily snug and squished against Sauli’s ass, and his head was tucked into my neck. Breathing suddenly became a much harder task and my face was heating up considerably. The instinctive urge to just start bucking and rubbing against him was driving me insane. I held still as best as I could, threatening myself that I would go home and cut my dick off if I dared to do anything even stupider.

“There,” I said sternly. “This is close enough. You can take over now.”

I heard Sauli sigh in something… probably relief. It was so obvious that he knew. It was practically screaming at me. Poor kid probably thought he’d get in trouble if he shoved me away right now. I was most likely going to get reported after this class and I couldn’t even blame him. _Yeah, so um, my teacher got hard against my ass in Drama… twice. Is that normal?_ Or, maybe he wouldn’t say anything because he was scared and felt victimized. I felt horrible either way.

God, this was practically molestation, I swear.

Well, not really since he gave me permission, right?

What the fuck, Adam? He gave you permission to demonstrate a pose, not try to shove your dick up his ass.

“Yeah, um, Mr. Lambert?” Kathy complained. What the fuck did she want now? “I don’t like this. Honestly, I’m not really comfortable doing this with _him._ Could I get a new partner? No offense, Sauli.”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise and my arms unthinkingly tightened protectively around Sauli. I felt him slump slightly in my arms. I realized I was still holding him longer than what was necessary and immediately released, stepping a couple feet to the side. My entire body felt colder and heavier moving away from him.

Sauli turned and I tried scanning his face, but I wasn’t able to get anything out of him since he immediately avoided eye contact with me and kept his head low. Her words obviously affected him, and I wouldn’t doubt it; they’d practically offended me. My heart hurt for him. I was getting sick of how he was treated.

I turned back to Kathy, seriously annoyed with her. “Um, it’s a little too late now to—”

“—It’s fine,” Sauli interrupted, sounding robotic as he stared at the ground, hiding his face. “She can join another group. I’ll work alone... again.” I stared at the top of his head in confusion. I couldn’t see anything but his hair, but I could swear I saw something drip from his face to the ground. “Can I be please excused?” His voice cracked and my stomach sank. I was speechless for a second.

And, he was already walking toward the door before I could even answer.

***

I yawned loudly and picked up my steaming mug of coffee off my desk. Every Monday morning, I would arrive to school earlier than normal to plan out a few things for the week or catch up on marking. To my surprise, no one had confronted me for practically dry-humping my student last week. Guess he didn’t tell for some reason. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to awaken my senses as I finished up some paperwork. The air was completely quiet and relaxing since there were no bumbling students around here at seven in the morning. I sighed, wanting desperately to go back to sleep. The silence was making me doze off regardless of the coffee.

I jumped in my seat and nearly threw my mug when I heard something crash against the doorway with a groan. I looked up in alarm, slamming my hand over my pounding heart, and saw Sauli stumbling into the room, catching himself on a wall before pushing off of it and tripping over nothing, hurling into nearby desks.

What the fuck?

“Mr. Koskinen?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level when in reality, I was lost and freaked out. “Why are you here so early?”

“Dude,” Sauli slurred as he stumbled and leaned on the whiteboard, holding up a finger. His eyes weren’t even focused on me. He licked his lips and pursed them as he continued with another wave of his finger, “Don’t call me _Mr. Koskinen…_ that’s my father. It’s _Sauli_ … Say it with me. _Sow-lee_ … Or better yet, you can scratch that and just call me your little bitch.”

My mouth popped open and my eyebrows shot up, shocked by his behavior. What the hell’s gotten into him?

“Oh, and I couldn’t sleep—” He was interrupted by an attack of hiccups. “…Was busy.”

That’s when it hit me.

I stood up abruptly and slowly made my way over to a disheveled Sauli with wide eyes and my palms out, careful to not make any sudden moves, like I was trying to show him that I wasn’t a threat.

As I got closer, it became even more obvious. “Oh my god… you’re _drunk…_ You actually came to school drunk.” I shook my head in disbelief, honestly scared for him. He was completely wasted.

Sauli gave me a lopsided grin and pushed off the whiteboard, but he couldn’t find his balance. He swayed and toppled over. I closed the distance within a flash and snatched him by the waist just before he fell flat on his face. I grunted with effort, trying to keep him upright as he completely gave out on me, draping over my arms.

Oh god, I had a completely drunk student collapsed in my arms. I didn’t know what to do. They didn’t teach you how to deal with this shit!

I dragged a limp Sauli over to my desk and plopped him down onto my chair. I panted slightly from the effort of pulling his entire weight as I kneeled in front of him and held his wrists down on the armrests, looking up at his dizzy face with serious concern.

I bit my lip and held up two fingers when Sauli opened his eyes and… sort of looked at me, more past me than anything else. His eyes were bloodshot and out of focus, glancing everywhere in the room. I cringed at how much of a mess he looked before asking, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Four,” Sauli replied surely and drunkenly without pausing to think or actually _look_ at my fingers.

“What the hell were you doing all night?!” I interrogated, practically yelling at him, desperate for anything that could help me.

Sauli’s head lopped to the side. He just gazed down at me for a minute, eyes glazed over. “You’re pretty…” he mumbled, ignoring my question. My stomach knotted at the slurred compliment. I couldn’t be flattered by it at all. “So, so pretty you are…. I want to kiss you… pretty lips…”

“ _No,”_ I said sternly when Sauli started leaning, or practically falling, down toward me. I pushed his face back with my palm only to have him try to make-out with it. I pulled my hand back quickly.

Sauli whimpered, annoyed by my rejection. He started falling forward again and I pushed him back up with my palm again, this time against his chest, and kept it there to keep him from collapsing over. Sauli closed his eyes and smiled lazily, trying to hug and snuggle the arm attached to the hand on his ribcage.

God, he was tempting, so fucking gorgeous and a total curse, but I wasn’t going to take advantage of a student, _especially_ a drunk student. That crossed so many lines.

“What am I supposed to do with you now?” I whined, getting seriously worried. I turned my head and glanced at the clock over the door reluctantly, fearing what I might see. And surely enough, time was running out and school would start in a little while.

I felt knuckles softly press into my cheek and start stroking it as I was distracted by the clock. I immediately pushed the hand away with my free one, quickly turning back only to hear Sauli complain, “I want you in me…”

My dick twitched, but my mind screamed at me about how wrong this whole scenario was.

“ _Stop,_ ” I said sternly, not knowing how much more of this I could take. “Go _home_.” I realized something after I said that. I stared at Sauli in horror. “Wait, how the heck did you get here?”

“Drove,” Sauli hiccupped.

I groaned in dismay. “You could’ve killed yourself!” I took my hand off of his chest and buried my face into both palms, pulling harshly at my skin. “Yeah, okay, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you drive home,” I mumbled angrily into my hands.

I peered up through my fingers just in time to see Sauli suddenly fall forward, and before I could react properly, he crushed me to the floor, lying limp on top of me. I huffed from the impact and my head slammed against the tiles. My internal alarm rang loudly, but my dick was ecstatic. Sauli’s face was in my neck, breathing heavily and hotly. My blood ran cold in my veins and I shivered from the warm air tickling my skin. I could practically feel the blood rushing to my dick.

I wanted it. I wanted it badly, but I couldn’t.

Sauli’s tongue suddenly slipped out and lazily hit my neck. That crossed the line of everything I was able to handle without losing myself. I needed to seriously stop this. My mental sirens blared in emergency when Sauli’s lips lightly touched my skin and I pushed him off before he could start sucking my neck, making him roll over next to me with a disappointed grunt. I sat up and panted, hand flying to the burning spot on my neck from where he’d licked it. I gazed down at Sauli in panic and saw how hard _he_ was through his pants. My throat felt tight and dry from the need.

“I want you,” Sauli whined, pushing off the floor and trying to scramble up onto me again.

This was so inappropriate. So, so wrong. I felt like an old, perverted freak. I knew that he would never do anything like this if he were sober. He was just so far gone right now that there was no reasoning with him. He was making this so difficult and awkward for me. I couldn’t let him stay at school and sit in class like this. He’d probably be expelled if anyone saw and I just couldn’t let him ruin his life because of this one bad mistake.

I grabbed Sauli’s wrist before he threw himself at me again and stood up, pulling him along with me. Sauli stumbled and nearly collapsed again. I caught him around the chest with an eye-roll and dragged him over to a closet, hating the only and terrible idea in my head that was probably also illegal. I dug around in my pocket with my free hand, finding and pulling out a ring of keys. I struggled to unlock and open the closet door and finally did so as Sauli clung to me and started practically trying to climb me. I pushed him off a little too harshly. He stumbled and fell onto his ass in the dark broom closet with a huff of pain. I gave him one last, desperate look before immediately slamming the door shut and locking it.

God, what the fuck did I just do? My heart was pounding and I was a mess. If only coffee could wake me up like this. I frantically glanced at the clock and the closet door, eyes darting between them.

Okay, there was a student who was apparently really sexually attracted to me when he was drunk locked in my closet, and class was about to start before I could do anything else. Who else could say that? Just me. Just my luck.

Well, the sexual attraction part was something that was expected since they warned us of these things and mentioned that the most important thing was to ignore it and not act on it… even though Sauli was exactly my type and I wanted him badly. However, they did not say anything about what to do with the whole drunk and closet part of this. What the actual fuck was I supposed to do now?!

Okay, okay, calm down, Adam. Everything’s fine… except if anyone found a wasted Sauli in your fucking _closet_ , you’d be fired and he’d be expelled before either of you could even blink. Shit, shut the fuck up, brain! I was so not helping myself right now.

Okay, I would mark Sauli as present on the attendance instead of absent, just so that wouldn’t cause any calls from parents, and keep him in the closet all day until he was able to think again. I prayed that he’d just pass out in there and not make any noise. I promised myself I would teach him everything he’d miss, and then we could all forget this morning ever happened. That was an acceptable and completely moral plan, right? Oh, who was I kidding? I was not going to survive this day. 


	5. Hangover Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two months since I've been able to update. Fail. Here are 7,700 words as an apology. Enjoy!

Sauli:

I was confused as to why my eyes felt crusty and difficult to peel open, and why my body felt sore everywhere when I stretched out with a huge yawn. I blinked my aching eyes multiple times and rubbed the sleep out of them before looking around the near-complete darkness, even more muddled. This wasn’t my bedroom?

I propped myself up slightly onto my elbows on the freezing tiled floor to get a better look, groaning when my head inexplicably started spinning and felt way too heavy for my body. Why was I on a floor? Why was there a broom jabbing me in the side? And why in the fuck was my foot in a mop bucket?

I squinted my eyes into slits, struggling to adjust to the dim light as I sat up completely, and feeling like I was rammed in the gut by a truck just from being vertical. I forced myself to recognize my surroundings even with the almost non-existent visibility. There were shelves of random jars and other questionable items all around me, and the entirety of the small space smelled strongly of wet rags and—I took in a deeper whiff—was that _alcohol?_ I briefly sniffed my shoulder, a bit disturbed that the alcoholic reek was coming from _me._

There was also a promising ray of light peeking out from under the door that I directed my focus to. I slowly pushed myself up onto my feet, joints cracking in random places wonderfully so as I did, grabbing the nearest shelf for a second to steady myself. I winced when a sudden sharp ache settled into my head and a searing headache hit me with full force. I felt like the lowest form of shit. What the hell was wrong with me?

I attempted to move forward only to stumble when my foot caught in the bucket. I tripped and fell sharply to my hands and knees. I hissed from both the pain and the loud clattering sound the stupid bucket made. Ugh. I didn’t even want to attempt to get up again. I wanted to lie down, curl up into a ball, and die.

When the room stopped spinning and shifting, I pushed myself onto my feet again, kicking the goddamn bucket off to the side. Once I was somewhat balanced, I made my way over to the door that was almost beckoning me to come forward and escape. I grabbed the handle and it only jiggled slightly.

It was locked?

I rattled it furiously just to make sure, but it made no difference. It was locked from the outside.

My already-ill stomach knotted when I realized I was trapped here. I was about to start panicking, and the questions came in such a flurry that I couldn’t even keep up with them in my own head.

Had I been kidnapped?

Had they drugged me?

Where had they taken me?

What did they want from me?

Was I some sort of hostage?

How long had I been passed out?

Minutes?

Hours?

_Days?_

God, did my mom know?

Was she worried?

How long was I going to be stuck here?

What if they kept me as a slave for years?

I shook the nauseating thoughts out of my head by force, and let go of the doorknob, backing away a few steps with my heart pounding in my hot ears.

Stay calm, Sauli. You’re overreacting, surely.

I flinched and nearly screamed in terror when I suddenly heard the knob jiggle by itself and the light underneath the door was blocked off by a moving figure on the other side. I picked up the broom with trembling hands, ready to attack whoever was unlocking the door. I arranged myself into an idiotic defensive position and waited anxiously. The door swung open, filling the room with painful light. I squeezed my eyes shut from the burn of the brightness, and flailed the mop around blindly, making whooshing noises as it sliced through the air, obviously missing whoever was standing there.

“Whoa! Relax,” I heard an alarmed and surprisingly familiar voice say.

 My eyes whipped open and I struggled to adjust to the new light. The figure in front of me slowly came into focus as a heavenly glow lit him from behind, making him look like an angel’s silhouette. I was frozen for a moment as my brain attempted to register that it was just Mr. Lambert ducked in the doorway with a shocked expression, holding his palms out in defence toward me.

After a long minute of my mind slowly catching up, I realized I was still holding the broom pointed at Mr. Lambert with a wildly panicked look in my aching eyes.

He tentatively asked, “…Can you drop the broom, please?”

I stared at him for another long moment, my eyes darting over his appearance just to make sure it was really him and I wasn’t hallucinating because I was drugged. Mr. Lambert gazed back cautiously at me, making no sudden movements. Then, I tried to remember how to move, and finally did as he’d asked. My hands unclenched, but the rest of my body remained frozen. The broom clattered loudly against the tiles. That, combined with the brightness, made my headache spike exponentially and unfroze me. I groaned and dropped down to my knees, holding my head tightly and cringing in pain. I felt like throwing up all of my insides. Mr. Lambert immediately kneeled in front of me, and I flinched when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay,” his soothing voice filled my pounding ears, being the only sound that wasn’t irritating me to death at the moment. “Give it a minute.”

Easier said than done. My entire body, especially my head, felt like it was being brutally clobbered by a raging jackhammer.

“What’s going on?” I groaned at the sound of my own voice and squeezed my eyes shut. “Did you kidnap me?”

That thought didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have.

I could feel Mr. Lambert’s hand tense on my shoulder before it relaxed again and he let out what sounded like a forced chuckle. “No,” he replied calmly. “We’re at school.”

“Then what happened?” I winced every time a sound escaped my throat. Was my own voice always so screechy and obnoxious?

Mr. Lambert’s voice was guarded, but upfront. “You came to school drunk.”

My eyes flashed open and I stared at his disappointed expression in disbelief.

“ _What?!”_ I replied, voice jumping up an octave, ignoring the resulting stabbing pain in my forehead. “What do you mean?  I did? Why? Who saw? Am I in trouble? Oh god, what did I do?” My tone was filled with misery and shame.

The short questions had spewed quickly in alarm, and all of this sudden stress just made my suicidal and shitty state become tenfold more exaggerated when another particularly sharp pain shot through my temples.

Mr. Lambert just watched me like a tired adult looking after a tantrum-throwing toddler. His dark fringes of hair blocked his eyes partially as he looked down at me, and I was somewhat grateful that I couldn’t see exactly how upset he was with me.

I could practically see him trying to figure out how to word it as he slowly responded, “I mean you actually drove to school drunk early in the morning and then barged into my classroom.” I gaped at him, eye twitching. I already knew he was leaving out details, and I didn’t know if it was because they weren’t important… or if he didn’t want to tell me for some reason. “And I don’t know why. I was hoping you could tell me.”

My thoughts raced, trying to figure out when and where I got so wasted, and _why._ I wasn’t a heavy drinker. Actually, the only times I’d ever drank before were at family gatherings that included some formal and limited wine drinking, nothing more. My memory was frayed since I hadn’t fully recovered yet as I tried to piece together what had happened. I only remembered glimpses. I recalled being _really_ emotional all night, mom’s not-so-secret stash of whiskey, and frustration and confusion... about Mr. Lambert.

Oh _great._ Fantastic. All sarcasm intended.

“I can’t remember,” I mumbled incoherently, refusing to look him in the eye. “I’d normally never do such a thing… I’m not like that. I don’t know why…” I trailed off.

Yes I did. It was all slowly returning and I could feel my skin pale at the horror of the memories flooding back.

I got shit-faced because I was an idiot and couldn’t handle feeling some of the things I felt toward my own damn teacher. The pain of knowing it was the most pointless infatuation a person could muster up had become suddenly really unbearable at four in the morning after tossing about in my bed and crying. Alcohol happened to make you looser and masked whatever pain for a short bit, but it also made me decide to drive and confront Mr. Lambert as soon as possible with my drunken confidence. Apparently, I’d thought that was a really great idea. God, could I be more pathetic? What could I have said to him? I didn’t remember anything that had happened after getting in my car.

Remembering all of this in front of the person that had caused it all to happen made me want to run out of the room screaming. Yeah, I’d rather be kidnapped and enslaved than tell him the truth. Lying to Mr. Lambert felt terrible, but I really didn’t have another choice. I was about ready to beg him to just kill me and get it over with. How could I live with this mortification anyway? How could I be so goddamn _stupid?_

Mr. Lambert gave me a look that I avoided until he sighed, realizing that I wasn’t going to give him any more than that, and continued answering my questions.

“And no, you’re not in trouble with anyone else. You’re lucky I was the only one around,” he muttered. His voice dropped to a dangerously guarded tone as he said, “…And you don’t want to know what you did…”

The hairs on my neck stood up from the clipped and seriously bothered tone of his voice.

“ _What do you mean?”_ I squeaked way too loudly and then groaned from the obnoxious volume, gripping tighter onto the sides of my pounding head. My stomach knotted and I suddenly felt nauseous again, but more from sheer nerves and feelings of disgrace at what I had done at home and the endless possibilities that I could’ve done _here._  

Mr. Lambert pursed his lip and gave me a worried look. “Wait here,” he instructed, ignoring my question.

I stayed seated on the ground as he disappeared out the door. I didn’t dare disobey him. Actually, being given commands was kind of awesome and it made my gut flutter, but it wasn’t like I was even physically capable of just getting up and strolling out of here anyway. The ground was my best friend at this point. So much so in fact, that I considered just asking Mr. Lambert to close the door again and let me sleep for the rest of my life in here. After a few irritatingly long minutes, Mr. Lambert returned with a glass of water and a pill in his hand.

“Pretty sure I’m not allowed to give students pills, but hey, you already broke some rules, so why not?” Mr. Lambert muttered, barely audible as he sank to his knees and handed me the objects. I willingly took the pill and washed it down with the cold water without even giving it a second thought. “Look at you. You don’t even care what I just gave you.” He shook his head bitterly in disappointment.

“I trust you,” I mumbled, squeezing the glass as I stared fixedly at it. “Aren’t I supposed to?”

“Rule number one in life, kid,” Mr. Lambert grumbled, “don’t trust anyone. You’re lucky that was just an aspirin. If it was anyone else…”

I could feel his eyes boring hard into my forehead. His voice was laced with something I couldn’t quite put my finger on as he continued and strangely changed the subject a little, “You never know when someone who’s supposed to look out for you crosses a line and goes too far. Mr. Koskinen, if anything like that were ever to happen, god forbid, you need to get as far away from that person as possible and make sure that they are punished, okay? _Even if they know it’s wrong and hates themselves for it forever.”_ He’d looked away and muttered that last part under his breath so quietly that I wasn’t even sure if I heard him right.

He gazed back at me warningly, “But I’m sure you won’t tempt anyone you’re not supposed to. You’re a smart kid.” He got back on topic, “So just be careful, okay? Just because you think you can trust someone, doesn’t mean you should take whatever they give you, especially pills, without even asking a single question.” He gave me a forced encouraging smile. It didn’t even touch his beautiful eyes.

I glared at the condensation on the glass. I’d pretty much tuned out in annoyance after he’d said two particular things.

Kid. Mr. Koskinen.

I _hated_ being called those two things by _him._ Were they seriously all he saw me as? Not only did he seem to think of me as an underage baby, but he also only referred to me with cold formality, creating that barrier between us. 

“I _know_ allthat, thank you very much,” I muttered with irritation, setting down the glass to look up tentatively at his handsome, but tired, face. Why the hell had he been rambling on randomly about that crap anyway? “I thought I wasn’t in trouble, so why the lecture?”

“I said you’re not in trouble with anyone else,” Mr. Lambert scolded, dismissing the last part of my question. “You’re in trouble with _me._ ”

I looked up at him with fear and apology. “Why? What do I do—” I started, but was cut off.

“—Can you stand yet?” he asked quickly, probably purposefully. “I’m sick of kneeling in here. Plus, it smells.” He wiggled his nose, scowling exaggeratedly at the shelves.

I just nodded, and he followed me up, hovering concernedly as I confidently pushed myself up onto my feet for only a second before a wave of dizziness washed over me and I stumbled over my own two feet, falling back onto my ass with a grunt before he could catch me.

I could practically hear Mr. Lambert trying to stifle a chuckle.

“You okay?” he asked with a smile in his voice.

I narrowed my eyes into daggers up at him, giving him one jerky nod, but all annoyance with him immediately fizzled when Mr. Lambert offered out his hand to me. I stared at it, not exactly sure what I was supposed to do with it, and whether or not I should even allow him to help me up after laughing at me.

I sighed after a moment, resigned, decidedly against embarrassing myself further, and tentatively reached out for his hand. My cheeks burned when his soft fingers wrapped around and tightened on my hand. His enclosing warmth sent little sparks up my arm and straight into every other nerve in my body. I was hyperaware that I was actually holding _his_ hand right now… and it felt depressingly right. I kept his oceanic gaze as he heaved me up to near eye level. My grip on his hand didn’t loosen even when I was sure I had my footing, still not breaking the intoxicating eye contact.

The atmosphere felt thick to me and it was becoming harder to breath, but after a very heavy moment that made no sense to me, Mr. Lambert cleared his throat and broke me out of that strange daze.

“Can I have my hand back?” he asked, humor and something else lacing his quiet voice.

I finally blinked and noticed that I had a death grip on his hand long after being helped up. Mortified, I immediately let go and muttered out an apology.

He gestured to the door with a small smile and I followed him carefully. We were barely out of the closet, no pun intended, before I interrogated to his back, “You going to tell me what I did that was so wrong?”

Still groggy and aching, I stopped to lean against the whiteboard in order to keep from falling over in the spinning room as Mr. Lambert froze several feet away and slowly turned around to face me. He opened his mouth to answer, but then his words hitched in his throat as he took in my pose. His eyes flashed with something almost fearful, like he was suddenly remembering something horrendous, but then he quickly recovered, smoothing out his expression and setting his jaw.  

He didn’t directly look at me as he reluctantly and stiffly answered, “Just… some inappropriate misconduct and violation of school board rules. Don’t worry about it now. It’s _not_ going to happen again. I won’t allow it.” His voice was stone-cold firm as he walked over to his desk and perched on the end, gripping the edges with his hands.

“What _inappropriate?”_ I insisted, crossing my arms to hide my nerves. He seemed really thrown off by whatever it was that I’d done… and it was making me uncomfortably antsy.

“Just forget about it,” Mr. Lambert sighed, waving his hand dismissively like it was no big deal in the slightest.

“But—”

“—This conversation is over and that’s _final,”_ he snapped.

My next words were crushed before they’d even left my throat. I was taken aback by the authoritative tone in his voice. My slightly agape lips had nothing but silence spill out between them. I clamped my mouth shut and just stared at Mr. Lambert’s tense figure, not knowing what to say or do, intimidated by him like never before. He wasn’t even looking at me. In fact, this entire time, he’d been looking everywhere except at me as much as possible.

What did I _do_ to him? I couldn’t imagine what I could’ve possibly done that bothered him so greatly. I wish I knew so I could just apologize profusely for whatever mistakes I’d made, but it was clear that I wasn’t going to get anything more out of him about the matter.

The awkward silence that followed his distinguished outburst was deafening and lasted longer than it should have. Oddly, it was making my headache that much more pronounced. I kept opening and then closing my mouth, too afraid to say the wrong thing again. Mr. Lambert just stared blankly at his shoes, and the only way to tell how tense he was, was through his tight grip on the edge of his desk. His eyes were mostly covered by wisps of dark hair. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t even know what it would be for.

“What time is it?” I blurted out, just to get him to talk again.

Mr. Lambert sighed tiredly and angled his head toward the clock behind me. “School’s been over for two hours now.”

I whipped my head to look back at the clock for affirmation and my jaw dropped slightly in bafflement. I turned back toward him with accusing eyes. “You had me passed out and stuffed in a closet all day?”

Mr. Lambert winced. “Don’t say that. It already sounds horrible enough. I don’t need to be reminded. And at least you stayed quiet and immediately wiped out after I put you in there.” His eyes flickered between me and the closet just behind me. “I’d been so afraid and distracted by the likeliness of you getting up during a lecture and banging on the door. We could’ve kissed both of our lives goodbye if that’d happened.”

“But, why a closet?”

Mr. Lambert’s blue eyes finally reached and stared into mine. His irises had a sense of hopelessness in them as far as I could tell.

“I couldn’t let you get caught and ruin everything you’ve worked for here,” he admitted. My lip twitched. “I broke a few rules to save your ass, so you’re welcome.”

“…You couldn’t have just called a cab to take me home?” I snickered.

Mr. Lambert looked surprised for a split second before he cursed under his breath, shaking his head in disappointment at himself. He mashed his fist with a small thump on the wooden surface of his desk, before he started to pace back and forth, grumbling angrily and incomprehensively to himself. I was only able to catch two non-fragmented mumbles in the middle of his ultimatum to himself: “… _why didn’t I think of that?”_ and _“…kid’s going to get me fired…”_

I watched him beat himself up verbally for a few seconds before I started to pity him.

I cut him off mid-grumble with, “but _thank you_ anyway.” He paused and glanced up at me with annoyance, so I offered him a small smile. “I appreciate you going through all that trouble.”

That made his eyes soften and the corner of his lip twitch. My cheeks started blazing when he kept staring peculiarly at me longer than strictly necessary, but those irises were filled with such kindness, nothing more, like he was smiling fondly at me through them.

“Crap,” I blurted randomly after his gaze felt too intense, purposefully breaking the eye-contact and the momentary silence, realizing something. I gazed back at the clock with fear. “Mom’s going to kill me. I’m so late and she has no idea where I am.” I bit my lip, already imagining the magnitude of her wrath. “I have to go home, but ugh…” I rubbed circles into the sides of my head, wincing from the hangover consequences.

“Don’t even think about thinking about it. I’m not letting you drive home,” Mr. Lambert insisted, stepping closer to me. “You’re nowhere near the condition to. You’re still my responsibility here. I’ll be the one to blame if you get yourself and several others killed.”

I scoffed at his parental nonsense. “Then how else am I supposed to get home?” I asked cynically.

“A cab,” he muttered sarcastically, eyes flashing with hatred for himself for having missed that earlier.

I fought back a grin, a bit pathetically content that I had something over him and had thought of something he didn’t, since usually I felt insignificant and incredibly stupid when around him. I must still have some alcohol left in me because otherwise I’d probably be terrified to be in the same room, stuttering and mousy, especially now that I was alone with him.

“No money.”

“I’ll pay,” he countered.

My eyebrows jumped up. “Um, no you won’t? Not when I’m sober and can stop you. That’s so not necessary.”

I always hated the idea of people paying for me. It was embarrassing and it made me feel inferior in some ways. I always came from the belief that if I couldn’t afford something, then I couldn’t have it. Mooching money off someone was a last resort. If I’d been drunk and couldn’t stop Mr. Lambert from paying to get me home safely, then that was understandable, but right now, I was fine, I had my own car, and allowing him, especially since he was a teacher, to pay for me was just silly, and avoidable.

“Can you take a bus?” he asked desperately, running his hand stressfully through his hair.

I rolled my eyes and pulled out the insides of my jean pockets to reinforce my statement. “No money,” I repeated with a sigh. Mr. Lambert started to suggest something, but I cut him off with, “and no bus pass either.” He shut his mouth and huffed through his lips.

“Call a friend?” he suggested hopefully after a few seconds.

“Yeah, no, don’t have any,” I muttered, hating to have that brought up.

Thankfully, Mr. Lambert didn’t dwell on the friend thing. His brow furrowed for the slightest second before he noticed the disheartened darkness on my face that practically screamed _don’t ask_ and continued.

“Walk?”

I gave him a look. He obviously didn’t know how far away I lived.

“Screw it, I’m driving. Thanks again.” I turned on my heel to walk out and gave him a half-hearted wave.

“No!”

 I paused mid-step and peered over my shoulder. Mr. Lambert had frozen in place with his hand reached out partly toward me. He dropped his arm when he got my attention. His eyes flickered over my questioning face, like he wasn’t really sure why he stopped me, or he hadn’t been expecting me to actually listen to him. But I did, and now he wasn’t saying anything. Finally, he sighed loudly in exasperation and dropped his eyes, clearly not in favor of what he was about to say next.

“I can drive you,” he muttered at the floor, seemingly hating himself for even coming up with such an idea.

I glared at his inky silk-like hair. “No thanks. To be honest, you don’t exactly seem to be jumping through hoops at that offer,” I mumbled, putting him on the spot. The reality in my words depressed me more than it should have. Did spending more time than required with me put him off that much? I sighed sadly. “You probably have better things to do.” I stared dejectedly at his shoes, feeling my eyes sting slightly. “I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Aw, come on. You’re not…” Mr. Lambert insisted in a higher tone, coming up to me and placing his strong hand on my shoulder. I glared at his shoes. “Sauli, _look_ at me.” I rolled my eyes and did as he asked. He gazed down at me seriously. “I apologize. I’m being childish. It’s just…” he trailed off, letting his hand fall off my shoulder. “Never mind.”

He proceeded to walk over to his desk and pick up his messenger bag before turning back to me and plastering a big smile on his face. His mood did a one-eighty just for my sake. “Come on, I’ll take you home. No ands, ifs, or buts.”

“What about my car?” I asked as Mr. Lambert passed me. He barely paused as he walked out the door, calling out over his shoulder with a chuckle, “Now that’s not my problem.”

In the parking lot, I trailed slowly behind a frantic Mr. Lambert who was whipping his head back and forth to the sides quickly and craning his neck over various cars. I didn’t know what the heck he was doing, whether he was anxious about or looking for something or someone.

We passed variously mundane SUVs, sedans, and whatever else, but I was confused when he suddenly stopped next to an impressive-looking Mustang. My eyebrows shot up in surprise when the car locks responded to his keys. _This_ was his ride?

Mr. Lambert paused by the passenger door with a sweet twitch of his lips, opening it for me like a gentleman despite being seemingly in a hurry. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face and the flustered tingles in my stomach as I quietly thanked him and climbed into his car. I took a deep breath when he shut the door and quickly made his way over to his side, plopping in, and turning on the engine without a word. It rumbled to life and vibrated soothingly, making me instantly exhausted like being rocked to sleep as an infant. I’d been so distracted by him that I’d forgotten how shit-faced and drained I really was.

“If someone saw that I had you in my car…” Mr. Lambert muttered grumpily next to me, mostly to himself.

So that’s what he was so worried about? Getting caught leaving the school with me was the problem? I pursed my lips. For a minute, I didn’t really understand what the issue was with my post-drunken self until I forced my rusted gears to think and it dawned on me. A teacher leaving the school with a student would give anybody the wrong idea, and rightfully so.

Even though he was in a rush to get me home without being seen, Mr. Lambert still drove with the utmost caution. And strangely enough, once we were off the school perimeters, he visibly relaxed and slowed down. His back wasn’t tense anymore and his eyes lost the glinting worried look in them. Instead, the color returned to his face and a small _genuine_ smile graced his lips. I couldn’t help but keep peering over at it, taking peeks of his gorgeous self. I gave him my address when he asked for it and he smirked a little, saying that I lived pretty close by him, which threw me for a loop, although he didn’t tell me exactly where.

“…so yeah, we actually ended up having to leave the vacation early,” I concluded my long story about my trip to Hawaii a couple years back.

We’d been on the road for a while now. It should have been awkward to be in my teacher’s car, but it wasn’t in the slightest. I was talking freely and confidently above my exhaustion... probably because I was still slightly tipsy.  My hangover was forgotten as the sound of Mr. Lambert’s voice and mine filled the small interior of the car without a break. And plus, I just didn’t want to miss a moment of being alone with him like this. _This_ was perfect.

“Seriously? Man, that sucks,” Mr. Lambert replied, laughing a little as he kept his relaxed gaze on the road ahead, sounding a hell of a lot less like a teacher and more like a friend; a real person. It was like he had an off switch. There was no intimidatingly superior presence about him. He made me feel comfortable. Again, that could be because of all my drinking, but I liked to believe it was partly him as well. I tried to avoid all school-related topics, not even bringing up the question of what I’d done when I’d been wasted with him again. It was just too much fun talking to him about regular things. We flowed that way, and conversation came easily when there was nothing to worry about. “So was this before or after the volcano?”

“After,” I stated, holding up a finger. “And, a week before the volcano mess, they gave us a fucker of a surfing instructor that was bat-shit insane,” I exclaimed, loving how Mr. Lambert just chuckled and grinned instead of scolding me for swearing. “It was like a million degrees, but nope, he insisted that we go out anyway. Needless to say, the sand cooked my feet alive. My skin was peeling and aching for days. He didn’t even mention that the waters were shark infested.” I shook my head fondly, reliving the memory. “What about you? Any crazy experiences?”

“Hah!” Mr. Lambert snorted and smacked the wheel. “Where to start?” He smirked over at me. “Just last summer, I took a trip to Burning Man…”

Our conversation continued like that for what seemed like an endlessly blissful time. Listening to Mr. Lambert talk about his psychedelic experiences in the desert and other eccentric moments in his life made me realize that he was really a _person,_ you know? You never really expect your teachers to have a life outside of school, but he sure did. He was a lot wilder than I’d ever dreamed, despite being so business-like at school, and it was thrilling for me to know that he wasn’t another robotic educator.

As he talked animatedly, I just stared over at him in wonder and awe, finding myself falling for him with every passing sentence. The more he talked, the more human he felt, and so the more connected I felt to him. I didn’t think he even noticed the change in himself. He chatted without a worry and no boundaries, saying whatever came to his mind. In this moment, he wasn’t Mr. Lambert; he was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a _friend._ I could listen to him for the rest of my life… except apparently, my body had other time limits in mind. Despite my best attempts to ignore it, my body caught up with my mind. The dizziness and exhaustion started to become unbearable just as Mr. Lambert finished his side of the stories.

“…still can’t get all the damn glitter out,” he concluded, frowning out the windshield.

That was all the longest I’d ever heard him speak, and every single word just made me plummet even more head over heels for him. It really wasn’t fair. I was so attracted to him for whatever cursed reason, but he never even seemed to bat an eye at me. He only saw me as his immature student and nothing more. I mean, that’s why I was in his car right now. He didn’t even trust me to drive myself. How I wished the circumstances we’d met under had been different. Would he have noticed me in the same way I did him?

After a long moment, I slurred contently, “You know… I like you,” without a second thought, sight starting to blur as I gazed out the window.

Mr. Lambert paused for a moment before I heard him reply cautiously, “I like you too, of course. You work so hard, so you make my job easier.”

I shook my head groggily, slightly annoyed that he was back to his professional bullshit. “No, I mean I think I _really_ like you,” I mumbled, turning my head in time to see Mr. Lambert’s hands tighten on the wheel, stretching his knuckles to white.

“And I think you’re still a bit drunk,” he muttered, forcing a small chuckle.

“I’m fine,” I said incoherently, waving my hand dismissively, though he I knew all too well how right he was. I assumed I was the honest type of drunken person. You know… the ones who blurt out truths regardless of what harm they’d do? I’d wear my heart out on my sleeve. You can imagine that because of that fact, why it terrified me to think about what I might’ve said or done when I was _really_ wasted with him.

“No, you’re really not,” Mr. Lambert replied, voice getting stiffer. “You wouldn’t be saying this crap if you were okay.”

I frowned, blinking with heavy eyes. “It’s crap?” My voice sounded disappointed and far away. My body felt heavy with the urge to sleep and get rid of the rest of the toxins.

“Of course it is,” he scoffed curtly, like he was surprised I even questioned it. “I’m your teacher. I’m here to set you on the right path. And I know it’s just the alcohol talking that’s saying such absurd things. It’s wrong.”

I rolled my eyes in a fading daze, too tired to even take offense. I just kept spewing more things I would never think of saying if fully sober.

“Says who?” I yawned loudly. “I think you like me.”

“Go to sleep. We’re halfway there. You’re fighting to keep your eyes open,” he muttered, peering at me from the corner of his eyes.

My eyes were closed now and my head lolled to the opposite side. “…You’re not denying it,” I said with a sleepy smile I knew he couldn’t see.

“ _Sleep,”_ Mr. Lambert repeated more firmly.

I dozed off with a small chuckle.

I was woken up slowly some time later by muted voices nearby. I blinked my eyes open, regaining consciousness. My head felt immensely better than before and the foggy hangover discomfort was waning. My neck ached from leaning on the window. I immediately longed for the soothing vibration of the car, noticing that it was gone. Did we stop?

I sniffed the air experimentally. What was that richly intoxicating smell? I smelled the air again, finding that the scent was the strongest on my own skin. What the hell? Did Mr. Lambert spray me with cologne?

I craned my head enough to look outside, surprised to see my mother standing with Mr. Lambert outside the driver’s door.

“I can’t, really,” I heard his muffled voice say.

“Don’t be silly, I insist,” my mother replied in her usual pushy and excited tone.

My brow furrowed, confused. What was going on? Oh god, my teacher was talking to my mother. Did he tell her about what I’d done? Shit.

I scrambled to open the door and hop out of the car, ignoring the light-headed feeling from getting up so fast. Both of their heads whipped over to my direction from the other side of the car. My mom gave me a proud look, not furious. Mr. Lambert had a small smile playing on his lips.

“Hi, sleepy-head,” mom cooed, jade eyes sparkling.

Ignoring the baby talk, I asked, “What’s going on?” as I made my way around the car, trying not to stumble or look drunkenly suspicious.

“Well, this lovely teacher of yours told me about how you two stayed late after school to study,” she explained. “And he even drove you home when your car broke down?” She turned to beam at him. “That’s so nice of you. That awful car is due to die any day now. Lucky you were with Sauli.”

I kept my face blank and glanced at Mr. Lambert. There was a twinkle in his eyes as he stared intently at me. His eyebrow twitched ever so slightly and that’s when I figured it out. He was saving my ass from the wrath of my mother. The cologne thing suddenly made sense. He was masking the smell of alcohol on me. My heart swelled. He was so not helping my fawning over him.

“Um, y-yeah,” I stuttered, peeling my eyes from Mr. Lambert to my mom. “I needed some extra help and he was kind enough to give me his own time.”

Mom’s smile grew wider. “And that’s exactly why I invited him to dinner.”

My eyes widened.

Mr. Lambert turned to my mom, a little exasperated. “I really shouldn’t,” he pleaded. I didn’t miss the way his eyes flickered over to me.

Mom didn’t even look at him. “Nonsense.” She waved her hand dismissively. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Surely enough, an hour later, we were all sitting around my dining room table. I didn’t really know how to feel about Mr. Lambert in my house… at my dinner table… across from me… eating my food. I could barely look at him the entire time without my cheeks flaring up. I was having dinner with my teacher. I couldn’t even wrap my head around that fully. What the actual fuck was this day?

I was grateful for my mom to keep chatting him up, charmed by his company like any human being would be. It was more awkward with her here, and I could tell both of us were cautious to make sure our answers fit and wouldn’t raise suspicion. Mr. Lambert never faltered in his responses and replied just as quirkily as she did. I was almost jealous of her for having it so easy and natural when it came to talking to him. I did feel guilty that she was putting all this trust in us and we were flat-out deceiving her right in her face.

I didn’t understand why Mr. Lambert was willing to lie to my mother for me without even being begged to. As a teacher who was so focused on rules, he hadn’t been doing a good job of that today. Any other teacher would rat to the parents as soon as they spotted a drunken student. I mean, I was entirely relieved and appreciative for his actions, but I was still confused. He was acting more like a good friend and designated driver or something instead of an authority figure with a higher title with the right to keep his ass on supervisor’s good list by any means necessary.

My head snapped up when I heard my name in conversation.

“...and Sauli over here worked so hard that he completely exhausted himself and fell asleep on the way here,” Mr. Lambert said smoothly, pointing his fork toward me casually.

My eyes flickered over his for a small second before they diverted to my plate, and I blushed madly as I aimlessly played with my food with my own fork.

“My little boy always works himself to the bone,” mom bragged, waving her spoon around.

“ _Mom,_ ” I whined, embarrassed. Did everyone have to refer to me as everything less than a man?

“He does,” Mr. Lambert agreed approvingly. He turned his head toward me again and made sure he locked my eye contact in place this time as he intently said, “And if he’s careful about the decisions he makes in life, like I trust he does, I’m sure he’ll go far.”

I looked down again, ashamed. He was obviously referring to my incredible idiotic drinking. I knew how badly I’d almost screwed myself over. If anyone other than Mr. Lambert had caught me, everything I’d ever worked for would’ve been gone before I could’ve even slurred out an apology. I owed him so much for this. He went against his own code of conduct because he genuinely cared about me and my future more than his job. I really needed to thank him.

After dinner and after mom said her cheerful goodbyes before washing the dishes, I was the one to walk Mr. Lambert to the door.

“I really like your mom,” he teased as we paused by the door.

“Everyone does,” I muttered, envying how social and admirable she was.

“You can probably get a ride from her tomorrow,” Mr. Lambert said, a smile in his voice. He craned his neck to check down the hall for my mom before continuing in a more hushed tone, “Please try to show up sober.”

I smiled sadly at him, face full of apology. “I will,” I promised, and then shook my head in awe at him. “Thank you so, _so_ much for _everything._ I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

“It’s been a long day, I’ll admit,” he shrugged. He did look really worn out.

“Why did you bother though?” I pondered. “You could’ve just called my mom to come and get me and let her and the school board know the truth and be done with it, but you practically had me in hiding.”

Mr. Lambert sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted and it was really starting to show. His perky concealment during dinner and animated chatter was completely drained from him. I felt awful for doing this to him. It was entirely my fault for getting wasted and putting so much unnecessary responsibility and stress on the poor guy.

“I don’t know…” he admitted, “but I don’t regret helping you out. I’m disappointed with your initial decision.” My stomach twisted. Having someone, especially Mr. Lambert, be disappointed in you rather than angry was one of the worst feelings a person could have. He obviously noticed my frown and mirrored my expression. “But, it’s okay now,” he said quickly, trying not to hurt my feelings further. “What’s done is done. Moving on.”

“So what’s my punishment for making you go through all this?” I asked tentatively.

He sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. “Let’s just forget today ever happened, okay?” he pleaded.

I couldn’t find it in me to agree to that and nod. As unfortunate as the circumstances had been, I thoroughly enjoyed spending that time in the car with Mr. Lambert. It’d been the happiest I’d felt in a _long_ time. He couldn’t seriously ask me to forget something like that and blow it off as nothing. It upset me that he was so eager to wipe the entire thing out of his memory. Guess the day with me really meant nothing to him while it meant everything to me. I could feel a lump form in my throat.

I just blinked up at him, hoping he’d take that as some sort of confirmation to his offer.  He did and then offered me a thankful and tired smile. I could feel my heart start to crack.

“I’m sorry,” I barely managed to squeak out. 

“I know,” he assured me quietly. I held his gaze for a minute, both of us hovering by the door. I could feel the tension and awkwardness settling in. What was the proper way to bid farewell to a teacher leaving your house? A handshake? A hug? I had no idea, and clearly he didn’t either. I kept my feet glued to the ground, refusing the urge to push up onto my toes and do something I’d regret. My cheeks were on fire and I tore my eyes away from his, staring fixedly at his chest instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he finished unsurely, cutting the silence as he opened the door.

“Bye,” I mumbled almost inaudibly at the floor.

And with that pathetic ending, Mr. Lambert breezed out of my house without another word, quietly shutting the door. I let out a huge sigh of disappointment and depression. I was a mess. What was I thinking? It could never _actually_ happen. So many things could and _would_ go wrong. Plus, Mr. Lambert barely seemed to see me as anything other than his annoyingly needy student that was weak and stupid enough to go intoxicate himself and then drive. Let’s not forget that I wasn’t even supposed to call him by his first name; that’s how far down I was on the ladder. I was nothing more than an aspect of his _job,_ and that reality was a painful thorn in my head that I couldn’t ignore. 


	6. The Outcast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this in how long? Like five months? Just letting you know there's no way in hell I'm dropping the story. Updates should be more frequent now. Sorry about the big waiting gap! I was busy working on my other fic. 
> 
> Just to let you guys know, I do read every single comment here, and love them, even if I can't reply. If you have a question, tweet me @TrespassMyAss and I'll answer it there :)

Adam:

“Alright guys, rapid round,” I said, holding my palms up in warning before pulling out a box of candy. “Quick, when cooking a steak on a barbeque, two hundred fifty-five grams of propane is used. What mass of oxygen is required to burn this amount of propane?”

I waited as pencils scribbled furiously on paper and numbers punched frantic ally into calculators. I nodded in time with the clock, counting the seconds that went by. I snapped my fingers impatiently to hurry them up. The goal here was to be the first person to call out the correct answer in the shortest amount of time possible for a candy. Bribery was a great teaching method. Then, at the end, we would go through all the questions together to make sure everyone knew how to do them.

“Come on, guys, let’s go!” I called out. “This would be worth seven marks on a test. Answer’s only worth one. You’ve got to show your work, but right now, I just need answers!”

“Nine hundred twenty-seven grams!” a high voice called out.

I whirled around, snapping once and pointing a finger at an excited girl in the first row.

“Yes!” I congratulated her. A groan of disappointment arose among her classmates. “Great job, Nelly.” She beamed at me as I gently threw a candy at her that she caught with one hand. “Alright, pencils down, guys. She got it. Okay, next question. Listen carefully. Only saying this once.  Zinc metal reacts with hydrochloric acid to form oxygen gas and zinc chloride. What mass of zinc chloride is produced if two point five moles of zinc reacts with sufficient hydrochloric acid?” I spoke slowly and intently, making sure they caught onto everything.

Again, everyone’s heads turned down to their papers at the same time as they hurried to find the answer. Less than a minute passed before someone answered.

“Like, two hundred fifty-two grams-ish?!”

I looked over the boy in the back and made a debating face.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied after a moment, and some people huffed bitterly. “We’ll go with that. Good job, Marcus. Can you catch?”

He nodded and I threw the candy safely over a row of heads and right into his waiting hands.

“Thank you!”

I smiled then turned back to the class. “Okay, we’ll do one more for today. A nice and easy one to give you a break. Calculate the number of moles of calcium oxide produced after five grams of calcium reacts completely with oxygen gas?”

This one took the shortest amount of time, as expected. I stared at the clock, tapping my foot along.

“Um, zero point twelve moles of calcium oxide?”

My eyes jerkily scanned the room, darting over all but one confused or dull expressions to find a face to match the voice because it couldn’t possibly be whom I thought. Doubtfully, I glanced at Sauli last in the front right corner, and lo and behold, he was staring right up at me, the only one bright-eyed and tentatively confident. My eyebrows twitched up in surprise before I could help myself.

 “R-Right!” I said in disbelief, sounding much too overjoyed and stunned. Another annoyed groan came from some students.

Tiny tingles of giddiness danced in my gut, and my grin spread from ear to ear without my say so. Suddenly distracted by something on his desk, Sauli’s face reddened, and he smiled mutedly to himself before peering up at me shyly from under his lashes.

He answered correctly. He actually got it. It took everything I had not to start jumping up and down in excitement and then bolting over to where he was to pick him up in a bear hug and spin him around. The thought of that was extremely appealing.

Then, I realized where I was. I blinked several times and noticed many curious faces giving me looks. I forced my inner joy down my throat before clearing it and finally recollecting myself. I picked up a candy and personally made my way over to give it to him, fighting back a huge grin as I did so. Sauli’s fingers brushed against mine as he took the candy from my hand and mumbled thanks. I smiled at him and turned away.

Today was probably already the best day for me, for my time at this school so far, and _not_ just because Sauli actually answered something correctly. Okay, well, that was probably like ninety-eight percent of it. Whatever. My pupil was learning, so sue me. It meant I was doing something correctly. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, so much more positively than when every other student answered, but I couldn’t help it. Sauli was the one struggling most in class, and I’d seen firsthand how bad it really was, so for him to _know_ something for once, without any guidance, felt extremely fulfilling as an educator.

The only strange part of class was during my lecture, as I was pacing slowly around the room and making eye contact with all the attentive faces, I noticed Sauli’s beautiful ones were the only pair not meeting mine in focus. He _was_ looking at me, more like staring, but not into my eyes. He wasn’t paying attention to my voice, but to something much, much lower. I frowned mentally, but I didn’t skip a beat as I rambled on about titrations to the class.

I ignored it for as long as I could, but after half an hour of him keeping his eyes glued to a very private area of mine, I grew uncomfortable. His eyes just followed that area no matter where I went in the class, trying to break his gaze as I passed behind desks and such. What in the hell was he thinking? Aside from being uncomfortable, I was also getting irritated with him. I was giving a very important lesson, but was Sauli even hearing _any_ of it, or was he too busy staring at my crotch? I couldn’t even give him any warnings looks to stop it because he wouldn’t look up at me for even a second.

This was getting ridiculous. I wasn’t going to help him if his reason for doing badly was _this._ Not to mention he was distracting me, making my words falter every now and then. I made my way to the front of the class again and sighed, stopping my lecture, and turning full on toward Sauli.               

“Mr. Koskinen,” I said. Everyone followed my gaze in confusion just as Sauli jumped lightly and finally tore his stare from below and looked up into my eyes. I raised an eyebrow at him, teasing a little, with a tiniest hint of amusement on my face, but I laced my playful voice with warning. “My eyes are up here.”

Sauli’s eyes widened and his face went beet-red.

Before he could make apologies and embarrass himself further, I continued my lecture, redirecting everyone’s focus. I was glad most people seemingly had no idea what I was referring to, probably just assuming Sauli hadn’t been paying attention, but I mentally cringed when I heard a couple snickers from the boys that sat next to him. Fuck. I’d been trying to keep that as nonchalant as I could. At least the entire class hadn’t burst out into laughter at him.

What an idiot.

Of course, I caught him. What did he expect? He hadn’t even bothered being subtle about it. I called him out on it too in a way that would assure he wouldn’t do it again, but didn’t completely mortify him in front of his peers either.

I didn’t even know how to feel about what just happened. Okay, I obviously knew that Sauli found me attractive, which was normal in a sense. Teenagers tend to develop little crushes, and I was okay with that. Now, he was acting on it. I was never going to forget that total drunken nightmare. In addition, today in class, he’d just stared at my crotch. First, that was flattering, but for most of the class? Yeah, the discomfort overpowered flattery quickly. I was _not_ okay with it. He needed to learn boundaries. If he wasn’t careful, I’d try to spend as little amount of time with him as possible, which would hurt his grade again, but I wasn’t about to put up with his ridiculous behaviour either.

How could I talk to him about it? How could I tell him to _back off?_ Teenagers and sensitivity went hand in hand. I knew that if people I’d admired in high school told me that they weren’t the least bit interested, I’d be crushed; destroyed for who knows how long. There was no easy way to tell him quit it. You couldn’t just _stop_ feeling what you did for someone. However, he needed to realize that it would never work. This was inappropriate of him. He’d already crossed the lines and I couldn’t let that happen anymore. It was still early. I could still send him off without completely ruining his spirit.

I would have to find time to bring it up gently to him in private and let him know that I wasn’t the least bit interested. At least, not under _these_ circumstances, but if I wasn’t his goddamn teacher, I admit, he’d be perfect.

Chemistry ended with Sauli not glancing up once from his work anymore, which worked for me. Drama class was a different story.

I asked everyone to get into groups of four for our next project. The class immediately split off as everyone ran to claim their friends. I leaned against my desk and waited absentmindedly for everyone to pick peers. A snarky, obnoxious voice brought me out of my thoughts.

“He said groups of _four_ , idiot.”

My head immediately turned to the source, and there was Sauli rubbing his arm shyly as four boys had theirs crossed in a cold defense.

“But…” Sauli said quietly. “Everyone else already has a…” He trailed off, so intimidated that he couldn’t even finish.

Various groups sat down, showing me that they were ready.

“Yeah, well I don’t feel like having my fucking dick stared at,” one of them spat.

I visibly paled.

“W-What?” Sauli squeaked.

“Don’t act innocent. We know. You fucking creeped out Mr. Lambert too.”

“You were drooling over his dick. Like, who the hell does that?”

“Such a freak.”

Sauli’s voice was barely audible now. “I wasn’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

All of them rolled their eyes.

“Yeah, okay, sure. Whatever, dude. Really? It’s not bad enough that you decide to be a faggot, but you have to make all of us uncomfortable too by shoving it in our faces. What’s wrong with you?”

“God, if you make Mr. Lambert quit by being all queer weird around him, I swear, I’ll kill you. I actually like him.”

“Get lost.”

I was just within earshot of all this, but I was pretending not to notice it. Frozen in place, I couldn’t even bring myself to yell at them for it. I know, I know, that was awful of me. The bullying was taking place right in front of me and it was my job to end it, but it was _because_ of me.It would only make it that much worse for Sauli if I just jumped in and defended him. If I said something, they’d all know I’d heard everything they’d said, and I couldn’t stand embarrassing Sauli even further. God, what in the hell had I done? I should’ve just ignored his stupid staring and then talked to him after class. I wouldn’t have drawn any attention to him. I was an idiot. Now it was too late.

Sauli turned away from the boys, an unreadable expression on his face, like nothing was wrong, but I could practically see his eyes moistening from over here. He looked around, clearly feeling lost as he eyed the groups that completely ignored the fact that he didn’t have any partners. After that whole confrontation, I doubted he had any self-confidence left to go up to more people. The last of the groups sat down, leaving Sauli as the only one still standing.

I felt wretched.

“Mr. Koskinen,” I muttered just loud enough to get his attention above the chattering groups.

He looked over at me, cringing ever so slightly when his eyes landed on me, as if I was the last thing he wanted to deal with right now, but I motioned him to come over anyway. Sauli gave the groups one last sad gaze before reluctantly taking his way over to me and looking down at his feet.

“I’m sorry,” I said sincerely, hoping he understood that I was referring to many things. “Do you want me to find you a group?”

It was still a bit weird and awkward to be standing with him considering the only thing that ran through my mind were his drunken advances. Oh god, I needed those memories to go away.

Sauli frowned and he blinked away some wetness in his eyes. “No, please don’t. I don’t want to force anyone to work with me,” he mumbled tiredly, trying so hard not to show the pain in his voice, and my heart broke for him. “Can I please work alone? Is there an alternate assignment I could do?”

There wasn’t, but I nodded anyway, not trusting my voice. I’d find something for him to do to earn full marks. I didn’t know what else I could do. I owed it to him. I would do anything to replace that torturous blank mask that hid his misery. I desperately wanted to pull him into my arms, stroke his pretty hair, repeatedly apologize, and tell him that everything was going to be okay. I so wished I could, but that would not help with anything if I did that in front of the rest of the class. Imagine that.

Class ended with groups presenting their assignments as I watched, but I just couldn’t focus properly, not with Sauli sitting in the corner doing paperwork. My heart wasn’t in it. I felt too guilty.

After that terrible class, I hung back for an hour after school to finish some things, and then it was finally the end of this awful day. I trudged my way out into the parking lot, feeling completely worn down and so just _done_ with everything for today. I had no energy to deal with anything else.

Apparently, the universe hated me and didn’t agree. As I reached for the car door handle, I heard sniffling by the back doors of the school. I tensed and briefly considered pretending I didn’t hear that and just jumping into my car instead, but of course, I had to check this out. I turned toward the sound, craning my neck over parked cars to see a familiar tuft of blond hair.

Seriously? Why was he _everywhere?_  

I sighed and reluctantly moved away from my safe haven of a car. As I got closer, my concern actually grew as Sauli came into view and I found my trudging pace quickening slightly. He was sitting there on the concrete, back against the bricks of the school, arms wrapped around his knees that tucked into his chest, and head buried between them. His body occasionally shook. He was… crying. Dread filled me. He looked like a sad little ball.

I debated just walking away because he hadn’t noticed me yet. What student wanted a teacher to come comfort them, especially if that teacher was becoming the source of their problems? Well maybe… maybe _that_ , a teacher, wasn’t what I should be for him right now. I shoved that whole persona into my pocket and made my way over to him quietly as _Adam_ , the vulnerable human being, came out to help.

“Hey…” I said as quiet and soothingly as possible as I sank down next to him, not wanting to startle.

Sauli looked up at me, surprised for a second, before sniffling, sighing in defeat and looking down again, upset that I found him like this. His hands immediately went to his cheeks, wiping hard at the evidence of his breakdown. I gazed quietly at the side of his face. His eyes were red and puffy from crying so hard. God, I felt as if I was staring my old high school self in the face. I understood why he was like this. I saw the blatant rejection of his peers like an old phantom. I once knew the feeling all too well… and I knew exactly what I wished someone else would’ve said to me a few years ago.

“You know,” I said, voice still calm and gentle. “There’ll be a day when you’re completely done with this place. The people that hurt you so much won’t even matter. You’re never going to see them again. There will come a day, in the real world, when you find people that you belong with… people that can’t live without you.”

Sauli was quiet for a minute as he stared at his shoes. “How do you know?” he asked almost inaudibly, voice cracking.

I sighed, remembering. “Because I was like you once… I was the outcast. I was the one picked last for anything, if picked _at all_. I had no friends. People thought I was excessively weird. Everyone hated me even though I was always nice. I was… different… and no one could accept that.”

“Different _how?_ You’re like the coolest guy here,” Sauli croaked, exasperated.

“Maybe now… Maybe after I dyed my red hair, lost some weight, and left the torture of high school,” I said, frowning to myself. Sauli was suddenly fully staring up at me in wonder, probably trying to imagine a very different version of me. “Once I finished high school, I was free to be whomever I wanted, and be _with_ whomever I wanted.” I eyed him out of my peripheral, hoping he got the message.

“What do you mean?” Sauli asked, sniffling.

“I said I wasn’t like the other boys. I didn’t like the same things as them, like cars, computers, video games, _girls…_ ” I tensed slightly.

Sauli’s eyes widened a little and he froze for a moment.

His voice held shock and awe. “You’re gay…”It wasn’t a question.

“Like you,” I shrugged.

Sauli looked away. “I’m not gay,” he said stiffly.

I sighed, that denial sounding depressingly familiar.

Sure, he wasn’t gay, totally. What regular straight male made passes at their male teacher… even if intoxicated, and stared at their crotches all period long?

“Look, I know what you mean. It took me years to come to terms with it and embrace who I was,” I said, trying to catch his eye contact to assure him and failing. “I have no intention of telling anyone, especially if you’re not out with it yet.”

Sauli was quiet.

I continued, “When you’re ready, and if you ever need anyone to talk to… I’m here.” I smiled down softly at him. “Always.”

Sauli sniffled again and a small, sad smile graced his lips. I sighed lightly and ran my hand through my hair in relief, looking out at the parking lot, deep in thought.

Sauli was so beyond fragile right now. He was at the end of his rope just like when I once was. If I hadn’t found him, like right now… I probably wouldn’t have seen him tomorrow. That smile reassured me by a degree that he wouldn’t do anything that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I felt a weight on my shoulder and when I turned my head to look, soft blond hair brushed my cheek. Sauli’s head rested on my shoulder, and before I could shrug away from having my space invaded, I felt tears readily dampening my sleeve. That was enough to keep me still. Then it was quiet for a long moment, except for the sounds of Sauli’s sniffles and quiet sobs. I didn’t say anything. I just let him let go.

As a comforting gesture, I reached up to place my palm on his back, nothing more. The second I touched him however, Sauli let out a broken sob, and he suddenly threw his arms in an iron grip around me and buried his head right below my collarbone.

I froze immediately, and my hand that had barely touched his back tensed in mid-air. I sucked in a sharp breath and my eyes widened, unsure of what to do. Sauli’s arms clenched tighter around me as if I was the last thing on earth, and I could feel the poor boy shaking against my chest, desperate for consolation. He had no shame right now. He didn’t care at this point. He just needed _somebody._

I softly let out the breath I’d been holding and melted my tension into Sauli’s embrace. I wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him closer into my chest as he cried. It felt… odd. He was ruining my shirt with his tears, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. I stared straight ahead, watching the parking lot while rubbing soothing circles into his tense back. I shushed him as his warm breaths came out raggedly, and I mumbled that everything was going to be okay.

I didn’t know how long I held him to me, but I knew it was more than I should’ve allowed. Nevertheless, this was okay. There was nothing wrong here with what I was doing. I may have very well saved his life.

The problem came when I realized I hadn’t even been the one to pull away first.

***

The next day during lunch, I worriedly scanned the cafeteria until I spotted that pretty tuft of blond hair again, and relief came like a punch to the face. I immediately felt lightheaded from how fast my stressing went away.

Last night, before I’d made him go home, I’d made sure to say to Sauli, _“I’ll see you tomorrow,”_ like every other parting anyone has ever had, although, my words held serious weight. I’d said it firmly like a cold, hard fact while looking intently into Sauli’s eyes, and he’d only nodded, which had left me tossing and turning all night. I’d been demanding that he’d not do anything to risk his life. Apparently, he’d listened, to my immense relief.

Sauli was expectedly sitting alone again gloomily in the corner with no one accompanying him even though all the other tables were way over capacity with teenagers sitting on top of each other and the table surfaces as they all chatted away about superficialities, completely shunning him and pretending he didn’t even exist. I felt my heart ache for Sauli. He was so interesting and he had so much to offer, but no one would give him the goddamn chance. Once you were an outcast, you were always an outcast, and it infuriated me. He didn’t deserve this.

I didn’t even hesitate to head over to his direction. Lunch bag in hand, I walked with my head held high and my destination apparent. Heads turned to greet me, but their words faltered and their faces crumbled into confusion as they noticed whom I focused on. I paid them no mind other than a polite smile plastered onto my face.

Sauli was just sitting and staring down at his food, apparently having no appetite. I sank down across from him on the bench, and my grin was the first genuinely content expression I’d had all day when Sauli did a double take and looked up at me in surprise.

However, I didn’t even get a chance to open my mouth before a horde of female students surrounded us, squealing random things, and I think I picked up a few of them begging for private “help” with their homework. I greeted all of them cheerfully. Their innocent need for attention was quite adorable and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it amusing.

I took a second among the ruckus to glance at Sauli and share an expression of hilarity with him, but he’d closed in on himself, staring hard and narrowly at his food, cringing whenever a girl made a noise too high or made a silly comment. I frowned, wondering why this was so bothersome for him. Then it hit me.

“Sorry, girls,” I said clearly and loudly, cutting them off. “Mr. Koskinen and I have matters to discuss, so if you could be so kind as to give us some privacy…” I gave them my most charming smile.

There was unison of disappointed and jealous groans, but otherwise, they became overly sweet again and gave me ridiculous compliments, like how I was “such a _brilliant_ teacher” and “generous” because I “donated my limited time to the needy”. For some reason, they all felt as if they _needed_ to touch me as they departed. I waved farewell and apologized to them.

Once they were gone, I shook my head in amusement I. could feel Sauli’s shocked eyes on me. I peered over at him and winked. His cheeks flamed red and he stuffed a forkful of salad into his mouth. Funny how he was suddenly eating now that I’d joined him.

“Hey,” I said kindly. Sauli nodded, acknowledging me with his mouth full. “Sorry about that.” He shrugged in response. I cocked my head to the side slightly and gave him a worried look. “Are you feeling better?”

Sauli swallowed, ducking his head a little. “I think so,” he said quietly, not quite looking at me, “and thank you for that.”

I smiled; I was glad to hear the confirmation coming from him. “It’s really no problem. I’m just happy you’re okay.”

Sauli’s full lips turned upward slightly before he started twirling his fork around in his salad as I unpacked my lunch.

“So…” he drawled, “what brings you to my corner of solitude again? Did I look that pathetic?”

It almost hurt how he was trying to make light about the situation he was fully aware of. I felt so bad for him.

“You’re never pathetic,” I assured him quietly, pausing for a moment to look seriously into his eyes before continuing, “And well, I am your tutor, so I do have to discuss a few chemistry things with you.”

“Of course that’s why you’re here,” Sauli muttered, rolling his eyes with irritation.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Nothing,” he dismissed. “You can’t just wait until our next session? I mean, I don’t want you to waste your time when,” he gestured to the masses of girls lingering a few tables away, “you could just enjoy lunchtime.”

I gave him a look. “I’m _trying_ to enjoy it here with _you,_ but you won’t stop being depressing.” I glanced over at the girls. “Plus, I can’t even hear myself think with them around.”

Sauli peered up at me shyly. “Do… Do they know?” I raised an eyebrow in question. “That you’re… um, you know…”

He was so precious. I smiled and shook my head with a chuckle. “No, they don’t. They don’t need to know.”

“Sucks for them,” Sauli muttered under his breath. “Imagine how disappointed they’d be if they did.”

I laughed. “Does it matter? Nothing would happen either way. I’m their _teacher._ ”

I didn’t miss the way Sauli’s face fell in the slightest when I said that. I sighed internally, wondering if now would be a good time to bring up the whole _you need to back off_ thing now that we were alone. I decided against it. He was on the mend, but still fragile, and I didn’t think he could handle another emotional jab like that. I didn’t know what to do with him.

“Um, so,” he changed the subject. “How long are you staying here for?”

I pondered that. “Well…” I drawled, thinking. “I’ve been here a couple weeks, but I’ve had no warning that that they’ve found a replacement, so I don’t really know. I don’t actually even have my degree yet. I’m working on it, then I got a call for this amazing opportunity to get the experience of teaching, and they pay me for it. What could be better?”

“What’s going to happen when they find a permanent teacher though?” Sauli asked as his nervousness surely but slowly faded.

I loved that he was easing more every second, becoming a human I could actually talk to, instead of an awkward, fidgety boy. He was even looking directly at me now, the rest of the cafeteria forgotten. He was interested in what I had to say and he focused on my words for once, which I really appreciated. He was quite comfortable to be around when he wasn’t distracted.

“Then I go back to school.” I frowned. “It’s going to be weird to have the tables turned and become the student again. As for a job, I’ll just have to go hunt for one again.” I sighed. I was not looking forward to that.

“Well, how can they let you teach without a degree in the first place?” Sauli was a curious one, wasn’t he?

“I haven’t really questioned it.” I shrugged. “But apparently, I’m _really_ good at what I do.” I smirked at him. Sauli cheeks turned rosy, but he didn’t hide this time.

“I know,” he muttered. “Everyone else loves you for it.”

“Aw, and you don’t?” I feigned disappointment, frowning exaggeratedly.

Sauli blinked a few times. “What, you mean— _love_ you?” He asked nervously, and I practically see the gears in his head turning, trying to figure out what to say without screwing up. I watched him struggle with amusement. “Well, I mean, I _like_ you—I mean like, you’re the greatest teacher, but personally, I just—I mean I—um— _no._ No. Of course not, no offense.” His words sounded so forced.

It was hard to keep from snickering at him. It was fun in a twisted way to put him on the spot like that, though under the amusement, it was ever so slightly worrying that he had such a hard time saying no.

“I’m hurt, Mr. Koskinen,” I said jokingly… well, mostly jokingly.

Sauli rolled his eyes and dropped his fork, making it clatter dramatically on the table. “Can you _please_ stop calling me Mr. Koskinen?” he asked, exasperated with me. “It sounds so old and gross. Seriously, it’s just Sauli. Didn’t I already ask you to quit it?”

Taken aback slightly, I said, “How can you remember that? You were,” I looked around to make sure no one was listening and then lowered my voice, “drunk.”

Sauli’s eyes were fixated on his fork sitting on the table, a faraway look in them as he replied almost inaudibly.

“I remember everything.”

I blanched and tensed.

 “Oh…” I squeaked quietly, at a loss for actual words. I suddenly felt sick.

He remembered _everything?_ Even all those… _things_ he’d tried to do to me? The things he’d _said?_ Yet, here he was, not even apologizing for any of it. The memories flooded back in full and I could feel my cheeks heating up.

After an awkwardly long moment of silence, I stood up a bit abruptly, not knowing what else to do now.

“Oh shoot. I’m sorry, I have to go.” I forced my voice to be level, but it still shook. “I forgot I have a meeting.” Sauli looked up me with a bit of misery, as if he knew he said the wrong thing and that I was lying, but he nodded anyway. “Get started on the chemistry stuff I gave you.” I took a deep breath, trying to keep from freaking out as I hurriedly packed my barely-touched lunch. Professionalism mode was back on without my say so. “Prepare any questions you have for me and have them ready for our next session.”

“Um, okay, but—”

“—Have a nice day, Mr. Koskinen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idiots. The both of them. x)


	7. Detention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. Updated twice in one day. It's a miracle.

Sauli:

Sitting around a circular table, Mr. Lambert and I were alone again in his class during another one of our tutoring sessions. I tapped my pencil impatiently against the stupid worksheet that made no sense. I stared hard at it, trying to clear my head, but instead, the words and numbers just morphed into an indecipherable code or alien language. I was leaning over the edge of beyond frustration. The silence in the room was deafening, apart from the ticking of the clock mocking me, driving me mad. I could feel Mr. Lambert’s eyes on me from beside me, and that wasn’t helping me focus in the slightest.

I just couldn’t get this shit. I’d thought I’d been starting to pick up the pace, but I’d never been so wrong. Mr. Lambert had only been giving me apparently incredibly easy questions up until now, and I’d struggled with those for weeks. Then once they’d started to click, the jerk turned it all up a notch. I was getting to my breaking point.

The pencil tapping got faster and faster as I got more pissed off. Mr. Lambert’s hand was suddenly on top of mine, stopping the obnoxious sound. I was hyper-aware of the heat of his hand completely covering mine. It snapped me out of my muddled thoughts.

“Stop that and focus,” Mr. Lambert said seriously. “You’ve got this.”

He pulled his hand away, taking the moment of clarity with him.

I just glared up at him before returning my attention to the problem. I let out a huff of frustration and pulled my fingers roughly through my hair as I propped up my elbow on the table, leaning over the sheet. I went through the steps I knew to take in my head again, but it didn’t help. I thought I knew what to do, but these questions didn’t follow the formula and steps in order, and they required actual thinking, an ability that I apparently didn’t have. Why was he doing this to me? This was so embarrassing and I was just wasting his time sitting here wanting to die.

_Tick… tick… tick…_

I was going to go insane. 

I couldn’t think straight.

_Tick… tick…_

Even my breathing strained.

What in the hell was wrong with me?

It was just a chemistry question, for fuck’s sake!

And yet…

_Tick…_

I lost it.

“Fuck this!” I yelled as I stood up abruptly, scraping the chair against the floor. “I can’t do it!”

Mr. Lambert’s tentative blue gaze up at me dissolved my rage. The pure _disappointment_ in his eyes was unbearable. I’d rather he’d just yell and scream at me than sit there calmly and watch me make a fool out of myself as if I was nothing more than a child throwing a tantrum.

I groaned and turned away, unable to handle the weight of his look, and stormed my way out of the class, but not before unnecessarily shoving a student’s desk out of my way as if that proved something. The desk collided with the one next to it loudly, and I could feel Mr. Lambert’s piercing stare digging into my back as I left with my fists clenched by my sides. I didn’t turn back to look at him. I never wanted to see that look on his face again.

I could easily strangle someone right now. I didn’t know what got into me, but I knew I would not hesitate to scream and thrash and claw someone’s face off if given the chance. I needed to cool down. I could hear my blood coursing through my veins, and a migraine was savagely beating into my stupid head.

To make matters worse, I had class with Mr. Lambert right after this. I couldn’t bear to see him again in drama. Just imagining the horrid looks he’d send made me nauseous. Without a second thought, I marched right out of the school, ditched the rest of the day, and headed home. I knew he’d know what I did, but I didn’t care. I’d deal with him later.

When I finally got home, I headed straight to my room, slammed the door shut, and crashed down onto my bed. I let out a frustrated and muffled scream into my pillow like a teenage girl, which actually helped cool off some steam. After I realized how ridiculous and melodramatic I was being, I already had tears streaming down my face, but at least I managed to calm down enough to think rationally and start over.

 Instead of being a pathetic little baby like Mr. Lambert clearly thought I was, I decided to take matters into my own hands and work on this shit, not until I got something correct, but until I couldn’t get one wrong. It was time to hit the books. I opened everything I normally ignored and sprawled out on my floor for hours just trying to understandchemistry _for_ Mr. Lambert. I couldn’t stand to see that horrible disappointment on his face again. I didn’t want him to feel as if I was wasting his time. I just wanted to please him. I forced myself to make sense of what was going on, and by the end of my cramming, I wasn’t _as_ lost as I’d been earlier today.

Yet, a couple days later at our next tutoring session, it happened again.

“Here, just… let me show you again,” Mr. Lambert sighed, taking my worksheet from me.

I groaned quietly, hating myself for my stupidity. I watched Mr. Lambert read over the question with tired eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty. I watched as he did the question himself, explaining every step simply and clearly, and making it look so damn easy. It was effortless for him, like asking anyone to recite the alphabet. It was humiliating.

He slid the completed question over to me, and hope laced his voice as he asked, “See?”

I blinked once, twice, three times at the worksheet. Mr. Lambert’s impeccable handwriting and systematic instructions that would’ve been easy to follow for _anyone_ else just started to bleed together in my mind. They slowly but surely morphed into gibberish the longer I tried to make sense of it all.

My throat felt thick as I shook my head slowly in reply to him, unable to trust my voice.

All at once, dread filled me. I was hopeless. This was never going to work.

“I’m sorry.” My voice sounded defeated.

I couldn’t look at him again as I swiftly stood up and started moving toward the door, my escape. The light coming in through the doorway beckoned to me, promising me sweet things if I left. Mesmerized, I moved forward toward it until a tall, well-dressed figure suddenly blocked out the light, obstructing my path to the exit. I blinked several times, snapping out of it, and looked up only to wince as Mr. Lambert glared down at me and crossed his arms.                                                                                                             

 “I’m not letting you skip class again,” he said sternly. “I know I’ve been a bit too friendly with you, but that doesn’t mean you get special treatment. You can’t just come and go as you please.”

Oh, fuck his teacher professionalism bullshit.

“Watch me,” I said simply, irritation replacing my moping. I rolled my eyes as I attempted to shove him aside, not even caring about his status over me at this point.

Apparently, Mr. Lambert didn’t care either, because as I reached up to push him aside, he grabbed my wrists in a tight grip and pushed me hard against the wall. I looked up at him in shock and he only glared down at me, still holding my wrists tightly to either side of my head.

“ _No,_ ” he practically hissed. “You’re _not_ leaving. If I have to physically force you to stay, I will. You’re my responsibility until school ends.”

The bastard was purposefully trying not to make this enjoyable for me. He kept his distance; he didn’t press his body against mine. His arms were straight and locked, putting as much space between us as possible, but as much as I hated to admit it, this was so hot. My skin had burst into flames though the only parts of him touching me were his hands.  Yet, just the heat from his hands and the dominance he was radiating was making my pants constrict a little too tightly for comfort.

I glared up defiantly at him, curling my hands into fists by my head. “And how exactly do you plan to keep me here?” I threw right back at him, wanting him to get angrier. “I dare you to try. I’ll just sue you afterward because I’m sure this is illegal.” I smirked, twisting my wrist in his grip to prove my point.

I looked into his eyes, searching past the irritation, hoping to see a hint of anything close to what I was feeling right now. Even if he didn’t specifically like me in that way, he was still human, and desire was something that came naturally, especially when we were alone and he was this close to me. Just one time, I wanted him to forget his role and give in. He couldn’t just be some lust-less robot. His devastatingly blue eyes held so much fiery emotion, so one of them had to be the one I wanted. I mean, he’d gotten _hard_ against me before, for fuck’s sake! He wanted me.

I had to be right, right?

Right.

I started to lean in, just slightly, hinting, hoping, and still looking into his eyes for any sort of change.  His brow furrowed the tiniest bit in confusion, and then as I tried to take a step closer, he probably caught on when his eyes widened by a small degree. I closed my eyes, and that was when his grip on my wrists got tighter, but not for the reason I’d been hoping. Right on cue, Mr. Lambert suddenly let go of me with an angry, but gentle shove into the wall.

“Fine,” he growled as he took a few steps back, not looking at me. “Go.”

I was stunned. Just like that? He gave up? I didn’t actually mean the whole suing thing. Was he actually afraid that I’d report him or was he seriously just a loveless wall?

I forced the rejection down my throat and ignored the way my wrists stung without his warmth. Silence took over the room. Mr. Lambert had turned away for whatever reason, and I couldn’t see his face. My lips parted to say something, anything, but not a sound came out. Something told me that I was right to keep my mouth shut.              

After a confused, longing glance at his tense back, I slowly and cautiously took the necessary steps to get out of Mr. Lambert’s room, never taking my eyes off him. I was out of there speechless and dazed. Just like he’d allowed me to do, I escaped from the school, fighting back tears and ignoring the damn need in my pants the entire drive home.

The longer I dwelled on exactly what I’d tried to do, the more mortified I became. What possessed me to try to _kiss_ him, my _teacher_? How could he ever forget this? I hoped that he didn’t actually notice and had just pushed me away because I’d jokingly threatened him, but something told me that wasn’t the case.

The next day during chemistry, when Mr. Lambert wouldn’t even _look_ at me, I just couldn’t take his shit anymore.

“Why the fuck do we have to learn any of this?” I blurted aloud in class knowing fully well how passionate he was about it. “This class is bullshit. Completely _useless_.”

Mr. Lambert stopped writing on the whiteboard. All heads except the one I’d been hoping for turned and jaws dropped, gasping at my outburst, but I wasn’t done.

“You’re wasting everyone’s time,” I muttered to him.

A swarm of defensive comments berated me, but I ignored the people in the class. My eyes were on Mr. Lambert’s tense back muscles. He slowly turned around, mouth slightly parted, and he looked over at me with shock. When his eyes met mine, my gut felt empty as I saw the hurt in them. It pained me slightly to know I’d crossed a line and damaged any chance I’d had with him, but I couldn’t will myself to care. I was being an asshole. Good.

“Excuse me?” Mr. Lambert threw right back.

The class went quiet, and then there was nothing but Mr. Lambert’s eyes staying locked with mine; his eyes wide with shock and anger while mine were narrowed in defiance. I waited, no, _challenged_ him to blow up at me, to scream and shout and completely lose his polished cool.

To my confusion and disappointment, that didn’t happen. Mr. Lambert just walked over to his desk, albeit not as graceful as usual, sank down onto his chair, rested his elbows on the desk as he intertwined his hands under his chin.

“I’m waiting.” He stared hard at me. “No comeback?”

I found my next string of insults stuck in my throat. I didn’t say anything.

“Fine then,” he said in a stiff tone. “Detention, after school.” The class oohed. Mr. Lambert broke his eye contact to glare at them. “The rest of you, get to work on your assignments.”

And that was it.

The entire rest of class, no one said a word. Everyone but me just worked on their sheets quietly, although I did receive several glares. The tension was palpable in the room.

I just sat there, dumbfounded, and stared at Mr. Lambert. He never looked up from his desk, eyes glued to who knows what as he scribbled on something. Did he even finish his lesson? What he had been writing on the board had cut off mid-sentence. I didn’t get it. I couldn’t have possibly shaken him to the point where he couldn’t even teach.  Any other teacher would have practically beaten my ass for those comments regardless of the consequences, but all this man gave me was a simple _detention?_

At lunch, I half-expected a certain someone to sit with me again, but he didn’t even show up in the cafeteria. A few people noticed his absence as well and narrowed their eyes at me. I could hear my name whispered in several conversations. Great… as if I wasn’t already hated enough. I knew I deserved it all though.

In drama, he showed up late, but at least he showed up. He didn’t glance at me once, let alone say a word to me. _Everyone_ noticed how _off_ his voice sounded and how he looked completely drained of energy. All he did was give some simple instructions to the class and then he retreated to his desk for the entirety of the period, never looking up again. I went to the furthest corner in the class and said nothing too. No one asked us what was wrong. Everyone knew. God, I really did hurt him. I felt bad, and I hated myself for what I’d said, but I was also still so angry.

When detention came too quickly, I unwillingly trudged over to the chemistry room where Mr. Lambert was sitting in his desk, still as blank as ever. I hovered in the doorway while waiting for him to acknowledge me, which he never did, and I shook my head. He was unbelievable. I walked in and plopped down loudly into a front seat, dropping my backpack to the ground with as much noise as possible. I sighed loudly, fuming to myself. How long was he going to ignore me for? I felt like we were both being children, especially me.

“This is ridiculous,” I muttered loudly.

“No talking,” Mr. Lambert finally said, just loud enough for me to hear. He didn’t even look up at me.

I kept forgetting that he was my teacher and had every right to punish me for what I’d said. I kept thinking of him as an equal, sometimes a friend, but that was my mistake, since he clearly focused on being the perfect teacher. It made my blood boil. What the fuck was he trying to prove and to whom? I’d seen him be human. I knew this was just a cover for him, a lie. I liked that personable version of him so much more than this damn preppy asshole. I missed how he’d talked to me like an old friend, how he’d hugged me, and how he’d let out the most musical sound when he laughed. This teacher sitting in front of me was not that man.

I sat there and silently fumed to myself, hating everything. After a while of awful silence, I felt frustrated tears overflow and run down my cheeks as I stared at my desk in shame. I guess Mr. Lambert looked up at me at some point because I heard a sigh, followed by the scraping of a chair. I didn’t bother glancing up as I heard him approach the desk, not even when he kneeled and was at eye-level beside me. I was a child.

“Why the outburst in class?” Mr. Lambert asked quietly. “That’s so unlike you.”

I threw my hands outward in frustration. “Because!” I yelled, trying to think of reasons that I could actually say to him. “I keep trying, but I’m too much of an idiot to get any of it. It’s pointless! I’ll just fail chemistry. I won’t need it anyway.  And you… _ugh!_ You keep wasting your time trying to help. It’s embarrassing!”

Mr. Lambert didn’t say anything for a minute, not until the second I spared a look at him. “You’re not an idiot,” he said, smiling just slightly in encouragement. He still managed to be kind and calming to me when I was such a little bitch to him. So perfect. _Too_ perfect. Fuck him. “And, I like spending time with you. Well… at least I did.”

“Why?” I asked, forcing myself not to yell out the question. Why _exactly?_ What reason could he possibly have to enjoy being near me when all I did was complain?

He pondered that for a moment before replying, “Because it’s fun to teach chemistry and to watch you, as my student, improve, which you have.” Oh, not this proper teacher shit again.

I rolled my eyes and groaned, “There you go again.”

“What?” He raised an eyebrow in question.

“You’re twenty-two,” I reminded him. “Why do you talk to me like you’re an old bat?”

Mr. Lambert’s face turned serious. “I’m your teacher. It’s how I’m supposed to be. It’s just one aspect of the boundary that you forget often, that you need to start respecting.”

“Oh…” I mumbled lamely, not liking where he was going with this.

Mr. Lambert paused and then bit his lip, thinking hard. “I know you’re… curious, but I’m not the one you should be directing that to.” I paled. Oh god. This wasn’t happening. “I need you to make sure that you’ll stop any inappropriate ideas you may have and find an outlet elsewhere.”

Bam. That was his version of, ‘ _I’m not interested, kid. It’s never going to happen,’_ which meant that he totally knew that I wanted him, even when not drunk, and it was bothering him enough that he actually had to reject me. That was his idea of letting me down gently.

I was mortified. My face completely drained of all color as I stared at him, unable to find my voice. He was waiting for a reply, but I just didn’t know what to say. Was I supposed to apologize? That would just confirm his suspicion. Was I supposed to deny his claim? Then I’d be lying and he’d see right through me. Was I supposed to disappear from existence? I wish.

He sighed when it was clear he wasn’t getting a verbal response from me. He just went on instead. “As for what you said in class today, that was seriously uncalled for and highly disrespectful, and I know you know that. You’re better than that. It can’t happen again, do you understand?”

I nodded jerkily, still mute.

“Good,” he said simply before he stood up, towering over me before heading back to his desk.

I was speechless. I didn’t know he was capable of such authoritative intimidation. It made the lump in my throat only grow. I just sat there, eyes stinging, refusing to speak, until detention was over a half hour later. The time finally came and I’d had some time to think about how unfair I’d been to him.

Look at what he was doing to me. I was constantly angry and acting like a hormonal teenage girl. That wasn’t me, but for some reason, he triggered this. I acted like an explosive little bitch, which had never happened before in my life. I was cruel and manipulative. He was just trying to help me…

Mr. Lambert got up from his chair and waited by the door. “You may go,” he stated.

I sighed and picked up my backpack before standing up and staring at the ground as I shuffled lethargically over to where Mr. Lambert leaned by the door with his arms crossed.

“I’m so sorry…” I mumbled as I reached him.

I was sorry for everything. I needed to get over him and let him do his job, and I especially needed to shut my mouth in class. I was probably the one downer of his day every time he came to school.

“I forgive you,” I heard Mr. Lambert say gently. I glanced up to see him smiling subtly, but warmly, and his stone-hard eyes had become genuine and inviting again. Even his arms had uncrossed and relaxed by his sides. “Don’t forget about our next session.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

His tired smile grew. “Did you think I was giving up on you?”

My eyes starting to sting again, but for an entirely different reason this time. He believed in me more than I actually did.

Before I could convince myself that it was a bad idea, I closed the distance between us and threw my arms around Mr. Lambert’s solid body. I hugged him tight, pressing my cheek against his chest. He smelled amazing and was like the warmth and cosiness felt when napping next to a fireplace.

He tensed within my arms, and I was sure that he was going to push me away and scold me again, but to my relief, he relaxed after a long, suspenseful moment, and his arms enveloped me. He allowed grateful hugs, apparently. I clutched him tighter, smiling and sighing contently into his pressed shirt, glad to feel that he could still be human underneath that ridiculous teacher persona.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated firmly into his chest, and I felt his arms squeeze a little tighter around me.

My eyes flashed open when I thought I felt soft lips press lightly into my hair before disappearing as quickly as they’d appeared.

I didn’t just imagine that, did I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment/Review?


	8. Crash and Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we've established that I'm terrible with updates, so let's not even get into that.
> 
> Enjoy!

Adam:

I yawned deeply, bringing tears to my eyes and settling a large, exhausting weight on my head. I glanced down at the blurred words of the assignment in front of me through the moisture pooling in my eyes and I sighed. Another long school day had ended and so another large pile of papers was set aside for me to mark. Beside the tedious task of marking at hand, the day had gone by quite painlessly. There had been no outbursts or unnecessary comments in class, not from Sauli or anyone else. I thought I was finally settling in and getting the hang of this gig, and I loved it.

The one major downside to teaching, student teaching or other, was staying after school on my own time to mark various things and prepare more lesson plans. I didn’t have to do it every day, but when I did, it was cumbersome, lonely, and downright boring.

I could hear everyone left in the halls scrambling to get their tails home, and I longed to be part of that mess, but instead, I was stuck in here with only the nerve-wracking tick of the clock for company and would still be doing so three hours from now. Ugh. I realized I was staring blankly at the same scribbles on the same page of the same test in front of me for five minutes now, and even when my eyes snapped back into focus, the words still appeared to morph together and become unintelligible. I clearly wasn’t in the headspace for this right now. It would be best for me to go home and get some rest, right? I mean, I would probably end up marking everything wrong or half-assed and that wasn’t fair to the kids… Look at me; I was sitting here trying to come up with excuses for why I needed to go home, as if I had to explain myself to anyone afterward, when in reality no one would care.

Screw it… I couldn’t do this right now. Home. Now. Go, Lambert, go.

With a loud sigh, I stood up abruptly from my desk just as there was a knock at the class door. I fought back a groan and tried to keep the irritation out of my voice as I called out, “Coming!” before making my way over to and opening the door. Of course someone needed me _now_ that I was about to leave.

There was a fellow teacher, Mr… What’s-His-Face… something generic like Smith… that I’d only met briefly in the staff lounge once, with a scowl on his face as he stood next to… Sauli?

“Good evening, Mr. Lambert,” Mr. Something-Generic-Like-Smith said. He appeared to be middle-aged, although he was well built and very classy in his appearance—almost handsome, in a silver fox kind of way.

“Um, what’s going on here?” I asked cautiously, skipping the formalities, and eyeing the way Sauli was glaring at the floor.

Mr. Seriously-I-Think-It-Started-With-An-S huffed, “Mr. Koskinen here disrupted class today because he was drawing some rather… obscene images on his assignment rather than completing it. When asked repeatedly to stop and get back to work, he refused to cooperate. It was an important lesson as well.”

“Because analyzing the color of curtains is totally going to help me in life,” Sauli muttered under his breath.

I guess I spoke too soon about the day going by perfectly. Goddammit, Sauli. I glanced down at him with disappointment, but he was avoiding my gaze.

“That’s quite enough out of you,” Mr. It-Had-To-Be-Smith-Or-Stewart snapped back, glaring down at him. He turned his attention to me once more. “I gave him detention, as you know we don’t take these matters lightly. Beside the inappropriate conduct within his drawings, I noticed one particular oddity and that’s why I’m here. The trouble is… your name was written in the drawings a little too many times for comfort, so I assume you would want to know why and deal with this yourself since he won’t tell me.”

Wait—my name was _what?_

“It was written in the drawings,” he repeated, answering my thought. Oops, had I asked that aloud? He reached into his sleek suit jacket pocket and handed me a folded piece of paper. “Take a look for yourself.”

I glanced at Sauli who was noticeably nervous now before tucking the sheet into my pocket. “I will later, but I was just about to lea—”

“—I feel as if this should concern you more than it should me,” he cut me off before suggesting, “Maybe have a talk?”

“Uh…”

“Besides, the wife’s been calling nonstop. It would be much appreciated if you could keep an eye on him for an hour or so.”

Dread was starting to fill me. I didn’t want to be here for another minute, but dammit, how was I supposed to blow this off? Especially now the he’d struck my curiosity… What was Sauli’s problem?

“You’re right, I am concerned,” I said through my teeth, wanting to smack Sauli’s blond head for sucking me into this. “I’ll take care of this. It’s no problem, Mr…” I trailed off awkwardly.

“Scott,” he finished, slightly irritated. Dammit, I’d been close. “And thank you.” He glared down at Sauli and bid him farewell with, “Stay out of trouble, Mr. Koskinen.”

Sauli’s glare at the floor narrowed. I stood aside to let him in before I waved stiffly to Mr. _Scott_ and shut the door. I sighed loudly before turning around to find Sauli sitting in a desk already and never looking in my direction. I didn’t even know what to say to him. What was with his behaviour lately?

With a shake of my head, I ignored the awkwardly tense atmosphere in the room and reluctantly made my way over to my desk and plopped down into my chair with another disheartened sigh, trapped once more. At least this time I had company… Granted, the company wasn’t very welcoming.

 I felt the heat of Sauli’s glare on my forehead from where he was sitting. I glanced up at him, about to lose it with his attitude. How dare he just give me such a dirty look as if this was my fault entirely? What in the hell did I do? I didn’t even want to be here. He was the one being an ass in every class. I just couldn’t keep up the teacher professionalism right now, not when I was so tired, and not when I was so sick of his bullshit. I had to be blunt.

“You know, you’re seriously wasting my time by making me sit here babysitting you again,” I said curtly. I was a bit too harsh, but his toxic presence was influencing mine.

“You didn’t have to,” Sauli muttered immediately, rolling his eyes. “I don’t see why I deserved this. I want to be here with you _less_ than you do for once.” I didn’t like the accusatory tone he was using.

I sighed. “You promised you’d behave.”

Sauli shrugged. “I know, and I was, but that _lesson_ he was teaching us was absolute bullshit. It was a waste of time.”

I huffed and raised my eyebrows challengingly. “That’s the same thing you said about my class.”

Sauli’s face fell. “That was different… I was angry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Either way, here we are again in detention,” I side-tracked, not wanting to dwell on that awful day again. “Don’t make a habit of this. Now we’re both stuck here.” I sighed for the millionth time today. “Why can’t you just suck it up and do the work you’re assigned?”

“What’s the point?” he muttered. “I doubt not paying attention to a lesson about curtains is going to devastate my life.” Well, I couldn’t argue with that. “Why do you teachers think that putting me in detention is going teach me a lesson? It just bores me to death, so it’s no different from an actual day around here.”

“It’s school. I don’t know what else you’re expecting.” I gave him a look. “Just do what you’re told. It’s your last year, so can you stop with the attitude and just persevere?” I asked, exasperated.

He paused. “No… I don’t think so actually. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

I had to bite back my irritation. His stubbornness was getting on my last nerve. Sauli watched apprehensively as I got up and made my way over to him. I sat backwards in the desk in front of him, folding my arms on his desktop. I gave him a frown, staring hard at him for a long time.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked. “I hate seeing you like this. This isn’t you. Honestly, you’re acting like a dick.”

Sauli’s eyebrows rose a little at my informality. He looked shocked and slightly impressed. He only seemed to treat me fairly when I talked to him as if he wasn’t a student. Then, a small blush hinted at his cheeks and he looked down.

“It’s becoming unbearable to come here every day and see you,” he admitted, and I felt hurt by that statement. Was I not the kind of teacher I thought I was? Was I making him miserable? “I hate having to pretend that I don’t…” he didn’t finish.

“Pretend to what?” I pressed. “What are you talking about?” He just shook his head and stared at the desktop. “Hey,” I redirected his attention, only continuing when his blue eyes met mine. “Look, if I’m making your life difficult somehow, you need to let me know. I need to know what I’m doing wrong. Is it too much homework? Is it too many tests? Am I going too fast in class?”

He shook his head at every suggestion. “It’s none of those,” he muttered shyly.

“Then what is it? What can I do to make it better?”

“I think you already know,” he said quietly, “but if you need a reminder…” He gestured to my pocket.

The drawings in my pocket felt heavy all of a sudden and I tensed, having forgotten all about the sheet. With a questioning look at Sauli, I pulled them out and tentatively unfolded the assignment.

What I saw was slightly mortifying.

He has completely covered the page with drawings and cartoons, mostly random and with considerable artistic talent, but a few cartoons portrayed two males all over each other, kissing and grabbing at each other’s clothes. This wouldn’t be _that_ concerning if one of the men didn’t resemble me far too close for comfort… plus the fact that he’d written my name in different styles all over the page. The drawings were intimate enough to set my cheeks ablaze and make my stomach twist although they weren’t _explicit_ in any way, really. There was no real nudity or anything like that. They were just little messy doodles, almost cute, and normally harmless, but given the context, my name, and the fact that he’d done these instead of working in class was enough to cause concern and alarm. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to draw these at school, then be caught, and then show them to _me._

This was why his attitude was shit? Was it because I wouldn’t act like these drawings with him? Was he just sexually frustrated with me… or was there more? I really hoped there was more to this because if the only reason he acted like a fool around everyone was because he couldn’t get in my pants, I would lose all respect for him, and I was hurt. I was trying hard not to believe that all he saw me as was some sort of sex toy.

“You’re kind of on my mind… like all the time,” Sauli admitted. “It’s driving me crazy.”

Fuck, I’d almost forgotten that he was still here. I couldn’t force myself to look up at him; my eyes were glued with horror to the drawings. What was he trying to do? My mind was racing. Why was he telling me this? Did he think I could return the sentiment? Did he draw these and then get caught on purpose just to be trapped in this room alone with me and put me in this situation? Was his mind that twisted? Was I overthinking the whole thing? Maybe it was all a coincidence… or maybe he planned this. Either way, I felt manipulated.

No amount of training in the world could have ever prepared me for Sauli Koskinen.

What was I supposed to do now? I felt more than a bit sick.

“…I thought we went over this,” I said slowly and quietly, refolding the paper and trying to keep my voice level. “I’m not, nor will I be your outlet for _that._ ”

“But—” he started.

I cut him off, raising my hand. “—It’s not even up for discussion.” I handed the paper back to him, eager to get it as far away as possible.

“Would you just listen?” Sauli scoffed. “I was saying, but you’re _not_ an outlet… whatever the hell that means. What do you take me for, just a hormonal teenage boy?”

I shrugged and gestured to the paper gripped tightly in his hand. “Hey, all the evidence points to yes.”

Sauli glared before tucking the drawing away. I chuckled, trying to keep it from getting awkward. He was quiet for a long moment and his eyes kept flickering from my face to his hands and back. I’d kill to know what he was thinking.

I glanced down at his hands and frowned when I noticed him scratching his knuckles to the point where they were getting red. I took his wrist and pried it away from the other one, giving him a concerned look. He stared back at me almost fearfully. I could feel his pulse racing through his wrist. When I let go of his wrist, Sauli immediately grabbed mine tight in between both hands. I curled my hand into a fist in his grasp.

“Are you okay?” I asked concernedly, subtly trying to tug my hand away to no avail.

Sauli shook his head quickly and whispered, “No.” He squeezed tighter.

I was about to tell him to let go of me, but something made me decide against it and instead I said, “You were going to explain… _those_ …?”

He nodded. I sucked in a sharp breath and my heart fluttered when he pressed his lips against my knuckles. “I’m not being hormonal, believe me…” he said after pulling away slightly. “I know, I know, the drawings are probably giving you the wrong impression, and I’m an idiot for coming up with them. I didn’t even notice I was making them. I was just thinking about you and they appeared.”

“So what impression should I be getting?” I almost wished I hadn’t asked that.

Sauli hesitated before sighing in resignation. “Honestly… you mean a lot to me. I know it’s obvious and you probably know, but you think I just have this pathetic lusty crush thing, but no, I actually _like_ you… excessively much, and I don’t know why. I don’t think you understand how bad it is. It’s definitely not in the way a student is supposed to admire their favourite teacher.”

Reflexively, I ripped my hand from his grasp and I immediately stood up. Sauli looked up at me with confusion and twang of fear. My knuckles burned where his lips had touched.

“I think you need to go now,” I said in a thick voice, barely able to speak.  

With a knot in my stomach and my head about to explode, I started heading back to my desk, or as I saw it right now, a sanctuary. My emotions were a mess, darting between everything humanely possible and never settling on just one. I didn’t know how to feel about what he’d just told me. Was I supposed to go with whatever I was morally obligated to feel or what I _wanted_ to feel? Why did it have to be _Sauli_ that felt this way? Any other kid and I would’ve just thought it was cute. No one else would make me question everything and even _consider…_

 I heard Sauli’s chair scrape against the floor, followed by footsteps, and I relaxed by a degree as I thought he was on his way out. When I was only a couple steps from my office chair, the footsteps picked up, and suddenly, I saw arms shoot out from behind me and wrap tightly around my ribs. I froze in place and stared straight ahead when I felt a face and entire body press warmly against my back. My breathing became shallow. How was I supposed to escape from this?

“Please hear me out,” the muffled voice in my back said.

“ _Sauli…”_ I said in a strained voice. The name sounded odd escaping my lips, and I realized it was the first time I said it informally to him. It confused me. Why had his first name slipped out? Why now?

My hands curled into fists as Sauli’s arms just got tighter at the sound of my warning. I forcefully peeled his arms off, holding his wrists tightly to make sure he wouldn’t bend them around me again as I manoeuvred to turn around to face him without letting go.

“You need to _stop_ ,” I said sternly. I stared seriously at him.

“No,” he barely replied, voice nearly inaudible. “I can’t just turn it off. You have to understand that.”

“Okay, fine,” I allowed, “but you need to stop _this,_ ” I gestured to his wrists in my grasp. “Stop acting on it.”

Confusion contorted Sauli’s features. “But I thought…”

I sighed sharply, squeezing his wrists harder as I held them up. “I am _not_ interested, okay?” I insisted, trying to sound as convincing as I could. “Get it through your head.”

Sauli’s breath caught and his face looked pained. His hurt expression made me want to apologize, but I forced myself to remain firm and stand my ground.

Then, he forced a determined look, shook his head, and angrily said, “I don’t believe that and neither do you.”

“Sauli, I swear to god, I will not put up with this,” I warned. “I will have you removed from all my classes if that’s what it takes.”

Sauli suddenly smiled slightly, eyes awed and glazed over, my threat flying over his head. “You’re saying my name. It sounds so musical when you say it. You crossed this one boundary on your own, and it didn’t do any harm, did it? Keep being real, just for one minute.” His voice sounded distant.

I gave him a look. “…Are you drunk again?”

Sauli’s eyes snapped back, refocused, and in a sure voice he said, “No.”

“If you are, I’ll have to report you this time,” I threatened, even though I probably wouldn’t.

Sauli rolled his eyes and jerked his wrists in my grasp. “And you’re already back to the teacher crap. Can you just stop that for a minute? You don’t even sound as if _you_ believe half the shit you’re saying to me. I _know_ you like me.”

I opened my mouth to object, and then snapped it shut. I didn’t know how to respond to that. It seemed like anything I said was just a trap. I shoved his wrists away, sighing, “Go home, Sauli,” before turning away and closing the space between my office chair and me.

Before I could sit and be done with this, I heard a determined voice behind me say, “Adam.”

My name with his voice laced around it rang in my head. Shocked and irritated, I whirled around, reflexively blurting, “Don’t call me—”

Before I could finish, all I saw was anger in Sauli’s eyes and his proximity closing in fast before he grabbed my head, pulled me forward, and kissed me, dry and hard, and barely brushing his lips against the corner of mine.

I turned to stone, eyes open wide and lips in a tight line. An alarm set off in my head, setting all systems into panic. I didn’t kiss him back out of will, but I didn’t pull away either out of shock. Sauli suddenly stiffened and pulled away, probably realizing what he had just done, but he didn’t let go of the sides of my head. He stared up at me with wide eyes, mirroring my expression, and his face still only inches away.

I was too stunned to move or form words. My head was screaming, but my body couldn’t make the connection. I became a rock. Sauli blinked several times, coming down from the shock. He then stared into my horror-struck eyes with his glazed-over ones, drunk on lust, and licked his lips before focusing on my parted lips. He leaned in again, slowly this time while gripping my head tightly in place, and correctly melded his lips to mine without fumbling.

What in the hell was happening?

My eyes were still wide open and my hands had just rather frozen in midair. Sauli fought to get a reaction out of me, angling his head so we fit perfectly. I could feel his mouth turn downward in the slightest frown, but he was persistent anyway, coaxing my stone lips to melt into his. I blinked slowly, feeling the control return to my body as the initial shock wore off. Reflexively, I responded with a slight contraction of my lips, and Sauli hummed the softest moan that set my skin on fire. Out of sheer will, my frozen hands grabbed his biceps and pushed him back to arm’s length as it all started to sink in.

“Y—You just—you,” I stammered, heart thrashing in my chest. “—the hell. You— _no. No_.”

Sauli just shook his head insistently, his eyes still glazed over, and all the strength in my arms turned to mush when he pulled himself to me again without warning, mashing his lips onto mine. My eyes flinched shut from the impact, but stayed shut this time. Sauli kissed me encouragingly and I moved tentatively, barely, just instinctively, shortly forgetting what I’d been saying a few seconds earlier. His lips were soft and tasted slightly sweet.

He hummed lowly in approval, vibrating gently against me. It was almost crippling how good that was—the sounds he’d make—and they were turning my brain into goo for a brief moment. Desire was pooling low in my gut and everything remotely sexual in me was begging me to go with it after not having something like this for so long, but when Sauli threw his arms around my neck and pulled me in deeper, the rest of my rational and moral brain finally caught up.

I turned my head away and spat out, “ _Stop_ ,” breathlessly, grabbing his forearms and weakly trying to pull his arms off my neck. My voice didn’t sound nearly as firm as I was going for. “Seriously, get _off._ What do you think you’re doing?”

I felt dizzy and my common sense was withering. I could hardly hear myself through the pounding in my ears. I was overwhelmed and I hardly had the strength to fight him. I barely knew what was going on, I was that taken aback by this.

Sauli’s arms only tightened, keeping me trapped. “Shut up,” he rather panted, eyes still closed. “ _So_ good. Let me. Just shut up for one minute. Please. One minute. Then go back.”

I groaned out in objection, but was cut off when his mouth found mine yet again. I was losing the battle because my own need was overpowering everything else. The tiny hint of a grounded voice left in the back of my head was screaming at me about how wrong this was, and I was about to shove Sauli off for the last time with the miniscule amount of strength I had left, but when his slick tongue darted out and swept over my bottom lip… I was a goner. I was starting to tremble from fighting the desire just to give him what he wanted—what we _both_ wanted. Out of desperation, the rational voice in my head yelled out at me almost inaudibly one last time before dying off, but it was enough to have me snap out of it long enough to have one clear thought.

No, Adam, _no._ What in the hell was he doing? What in the hell was _I_ doing? Why was I just standing here?

 I pushed Sauli back hard by the shoulders again to tell him off for the last time, but the hurt mixed with need and frustration in his eyes made the words evaporate before they could form. I took in a shaky breath and stared hard at his flushed complexion and his plump, parted lips, fully willing, wet, and wanting me, and only inches away. Shit, he was so gorgeous like this, and the slight ache in my pants only confirmed that. He was still close enough for us to be sharing breath, but he looked resigned, making no move to kiss me again, even removing his arms from around me, and he would probably back off completely if I just told him to one more time, but the words couldn’t force their way out of my throat. He was making it impossible to resist with his fully blown eyes and red cheeks. Just one time, a little taste couldn’t hurt, could it? For one minute, just as he said, it wouldn’t kill me, right? I didn’t really know since all rational thought was beyond me at this point and replaced with an irresistible need.

“Fuck it,” I growled, jerking him forward.

I only heard Sauli’s shocked gasp partially before my lips were on his urgently. I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him hard, earning a surprised groan vibrating in the back of his throat. My hand moved to the back of his neck possessively as I pulled him closer. All common sense was nonexistent when he licked at my lips, asking for entrance, and I willingly gave it to him. My tongue broke the seam of his lips and explored his mouth, diving in without mercy. I snaked one arm around his waist and felt him shudder against me. I could tell I surprised him with my aggression and forwardness. It took him a second to catch up to my level, but when he did, our mouths were fused together, hot and wild, and the sounds that escaped my throat were not under my control.

I lost track of time, but at some point when my knees started to wobble, we ended up walking backward until the backs of my thighs hit my desk. I turned us around and bent Sauli over onto the desk on his back. He gasped in shock against my lips. He would occasionally do that as a response to something I would do, and I couldn’t blame him for not expecting me to be like this. Both our feet still flat on the ground, Sauli pulled me down with his fingers knotted in my hair, and I leaned over him, bruising his lips with harsh, heated kisses. My hands raked up his chest and down his arms before pinning them to the desktop. I was completely lost in it, nothing in my clouded mind except the pounding of my heartbeat and the growing desire to have _more,_ to taste _more_ of this delicious being.

Sauli’s hands fidgeted with my shirt and tie, managing to unbutton my shirt and loosen my tie while his mouth resisted unlatching from mine. His hands slipped into my open shirt and travelled around my skin. His cool fingers felt incredible dragging down my burning bare back. I moved one leg between his thighs while still leaning over him and I felt my aching erection rubbing lightly over his. I shivered over him with a groan and kissed him harder. Sauli’s hands slid down my sweaty back, out of my shirt, and were moving toward my waistband, searching for my zipper. He didn’t get very far before a noise startled us both.

There was a knock at the door.

Every fibre and nerve inside of me turned to stone and my heart plummeted, jerking me back to reality. I broke away fast from Sauli’s lips with a smack and stared down at him in horror. It took a second, but then I nearly screamed, fully realizing what we’d been just doing, but my voice remained trapped in my throat. Every bit of morality and common sense returned, hitting me like a train. I shoved myself away from the boy halfway lying on my desk and backed away in terror so clumsily that I stumbled right into another desk, but even then, I still couldn’t tear my wide eyes away from the nightmare in front of me.

Another knock, more impatient this time sounded loudly from the door, restarting my heart.

I froze, not knowing what to do, too shocked and terrified to function. Sauli stood up quickly from the desk and gave me a wild look. Quickly and shakily, I buttoned up my shirt and fixed my tie while fighting the nausea that was slowly building up in my stomach. I stumbled my way over to the door while Sauli scrambled to get himself into his seat again. I paused before grabbing the knob to fix my hair. Oh god, I probably looked like a sexual mess.

I opened the door and nearly threw up when I saw the principal standing there. This couldn’t be happening. I tried to seem composed, but I could feel all the color draining from my face. He opened his mouth only to pause and eye my obviously flustered and dishevelled body with confusion. I hoped to whatever god that could possibly exist out there that his eyes wouldn’t travel down to my huge problem. Instead, he peered over at my shoulder at Sauli, and I didn’t even look back to check how he looked, too horrified at what I might see.

“Yes?” I squeaked, redirecting his attention before he caught on. I nonchalantly shifted to block his view of Sauli.

“Mr. Scott mentioned you were staying late, but you hadn’t signed in at the office,” he said, and I could barely register his words through the alarm still ringing in my head. “You know you need to sign in if you’re staying after hours or else we have to assume you’re an intruder.”

He came all the way here to tell me that. Was he serious? For fuck’s sake, I obviously wasn’t an intruder. Who made up that rule?

“I—I know that,” I stammered, cussing in my head at how fucked up I sounded. “I’m sorry, I forgot. I just—I wasn’t planning to stay for more than an hour. It won’t happen again.”

“Make sure of that.”

“Okay, will do, sir.”

He didn’t make any move to leave. I kept the smile plastered on my face and my grip on the doorknob tight, itching to close it again as he just hovered awkwardly by the door.

“…What’s going on in here?”

“Detention,” I barely managed, wanting so dearly in this moment to kill myself.

He frowned at my broken voice. I could tell I was still trembling lightly and I didn’t doubt that I looked like a ghost. “Are you alright? Maybe you should head home?”

“I’m fine, just allergies,” I bit out, trying to sound level. Of course, he didn’t look convinced, but I didn’t need him to argue with me. “But you’re right. I’ll head out in a few minutes.”

“See to it that you do,” he allowed. “Have a nice night, Mr. Lambert.”

I could barely manage a wave goodbye with my shaky hand as the principal left. I slowly closed the door and then leaned against it with my forehead, breathing hard. I could hear Sauli shift out of his desk and start approaching me cautiously. I turned around and backed away from him.

“ _Oh my god,”_ I squeaked, starting to feel a hint of pure panic crawling along my skin. “That didn’t just happen. I can’t believe I did that.”

Sauli shushed me, palms up, trying to walk toward me as if I was a scared animal as I kept backing off, dragging my hand on the whiteboard to balance myself. “It’s okay…”

“ _No,”_ I sputtered, horrified. “I just—I took advantage of a student. I…” I trailed off and glanced at my desk where I’d been practically molesting Sauli moments earlier and my nausea became overwhelming. “Oh my fucking god. What have I done? I’m so sorry—”

“—I’m eighteen, don’t you dare apologize, Adam.”

A wave of terror slammed through me when he said my name again, remembering where that had led last time. “Don’t _ever_ call me that again,” I spat out.

“Why? You called me by my first name. It’s only fair,” Sauli tried to rationalize. He wasn’t as destroyed as I was over this. I shook my head wildly, but he just continued exasperatedly. “You’re only four years older than me! That’s nothing! We’re equals!”

“I’m your goddamn teacher!” I practically yelled, knowing what I’d done was inexcusable. “How could I…? I’m disgusting.”

“Please don’t do this,” Sauli pleaded, stopping a few feet away from me when I stumbled backward from his closeness.

That encounter with the principal had been a wakeup call, showing me how close I’d come to losing everything just because I let go for a moment. It was a risk I couldn’t repeat.

“This can’t happen again,” I promised myself. “Never again,” I repeated firmly, burning it into my brain before a dreadful realization settled upon me. “I’m ruined.”

“No!” Sauli yelled. “No one has to know!”

“Are you crazy? You have to report me,”I blurted, leaning onto the board for support. “You were coming on so… but I shouldn’t have—but you kept persisting— _but I shouldn’t have._ I’m supposed to be the adult. I’m supposed to take care of you—my responsibility—and I just took advantage of a boy like a vile…” I shook my head in disbelief at myself, feeling sicker by the second. “You have to report me,” I repeated, and the consequences of the words started to sink in. “I’m going to lose my job… but I deserve to.”

Sauli looked shocked. “I would never…”

I groaned and went over to my desk, practically falling into my seat. I buried my face into my shaking hands over the desk. I was nearly in tears. “I need this job,” I croaked into my hands. “It’s all I have left! It was supposed to open up everything for me! Yet, I just… ugh! What in the hell was I thinking?! How could I be so weak and disgusting?”

“I kissed you,” Sauli said surely, voice coming closer. “You did nothing wrong. It’s my fault. I wanted it.”

I shuddered at his first words. I didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t need to see the memories again.

I felt Sauli’s fingers brush on my shoulder and my eyes burst open as if he’d electrocuted me. I nearly broke a leg shoving my rolling chair as far away from him as I could get. My back hit the wall from the impact, but the pain didn’t even register and I steadied myself. I stared at Sauli with terror in my eyes, so completely ruined. God, I couldn’t look at him anymore let alone allow him to touch me. All I saw was the image of me on top of him and it was making me sick.

“Don’t… _touch_ me,” I croaked. “Please. Never again.”

“You can’t just ask me not to,” Sauli’s voice cracked. “That was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I loved it.”

“You…” I couldn’t finish. He _loved_ it. “Oh god.” At any moment now, I was going to lose everything in my stomach. “You need to leave,” I said brokenly, not glancing up at him.

“Why?” Sauli asked in desperation, stepping forward, but the look I shot him froze him in place. “Please, can we talk about it? I don’t want to leave like this.”

My eyes narrowed. “There’s _nothing_ to talk about,” I insisted. Did he really think there was even a chance that this would work out? He put my life’s work at risk and expected us to _talk_ about it like that would solve everything? I got up once I felt I could without toppling over, and stormed over to the door. I kept my distance as I passed Sauli, and flung the door open. I hissed, “Leave _._ Get out. Go home. If you’re not going to report me then this never happened.”

“But—”

“— _Out,”_ I said stiffly, gesturing to the hall. When Sauli didn’t move, I added in a softer voice bordering on desperation, “ _Please…_ ”

Sauli’s face looked pained and his eyes were wet, but he didn’t say anything as he made his way over to the door until he paused and gazed up at me with tears starting to overflow.

“Adam…” he croaked.

I shook my head firmly. “Good _bye_ , Mr. Koskinen.”

I didn’t want to see the look on his face. I closed my eyes, and Sauli didn’t say anything else as he passed me and breezed out into the hall. Once he was gone, I closed and locked the door. The nausea suddenly hit and I leaned over the trashcan next to the door and vomited hard, shaking violently as I did so. Once I was at the point where nothing else could come out no matter how much I retched, I straightened up, pressed my back against the door for support, and took a minute to gasp for air. I slid down against the door onto the floor when my knees couldn’t hold me up anymore, and I pulled my legs up to my chest. I hid my face in my knees, hugged myself tightly as I trembled hard, and couldn’t hold it in anymore. A string of sobs ripped out of my throat and my tears soaked my pants. How had the day turned out like this? How could everything turn to such shit? I ended up sitting there in a bundle crying to myself until the sky began to darken.

I risked two very important things today, but only lost one. My job wasn’t the one.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment/Kudos?


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